Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Noughties end

I've composed a song. Let me prepare.

Ag! Ag! Ag!
Mee mee mee meeee!
And a one, and a two, and a . . .

*snaps fingers rhythmically, like putting castanets on someone having a seizure*

And now, the end is near,
And so I face, the final blog post.
Not of all time, just of this year.
I didn't mean, to raise up your hopes.

I've posted lots, maybe too much,
You've waded throooooooooooo,
My dodgy paragraphs.
But more, much more than this,
I did it for laughs.

Ol' Pink Eyes, 2009

Well, here it is. The end (almost) of 2009, and the arbitrary, subjective quantification of time via this particular calender demands some reminiss . . . some re-mincies . . . some remissin . . . some remembering of what has come to pass.
This is an original concept, and will not have been done before, but I expect other media to do a similar sort of "Year in Review" type thing when they see this, so remember you saw it here first.

2009 then.

We've had financial chaos, with various governments struggling to find a different, more upbeat term for "recession" and finally settling on "economic downturn".

We've had a few deaths including, well, millions of people actually, but also Bobby Robson, Mollie Sugden, Paddy Swayze, Mick Jackson, and someone called Lockerbie Bomber. Unfortunately I think this trend of dying will continue unabated until someone comes up with a cure.

We had the G20 summit which solved all the planet's problems and led to a better world for all. Huzzah!

We watched North Korea test out some nuclear powered fireworks for funsies.

We eyed pigs suspiciously as they passed on a particularly nasty flu to us, but didn't stop eating them because they are so very, very tasty. This is an example of yin and yang in action.

We noted Iran quietly and studiously building up it's international relations with intelligent diplomacy and public hangings.

We 'oohed' as NASA crashed a rocket into the moon, ostensibly to look for water in the resulting debris, but almost certainly really as part of an elaborate strike against an evil, organised and strangely well-funded super-villain.

We 'ahhed' as scientists discovered a huge great ginormous species of rat in Papua New Guinea that was strangely cuddly and more endearing than a pygmy marmoset in a slipper.

I think that about covers 2009. If I've missed anything, let me know by sending it to

Label your post "Red Mercury" and include a threat, so that I know it's not a spam-bot or something.

According to Wikimisleadia, 2009 was the year of both Astronomy and Natural Fibres, which explains the new Hubble Space Telescope Cosy knitted by the WI in tartan wool.

The biggest thing I'm going to miss is that, from now on, we're more likely to prefix "twenty" onto the year rather than say "two thousand and . . .".

So are you going to say twenty ten or two thousand and ten, or maybe just stick to Year of the Tiger to conform to our inevitable new Chinese overlords? It's a bit fiddly to write on a cheque but they're phasing those out soon anyway.

From a blog point of view, I've discovered that there's rarely nothing to post about. I'm not saying my posts are always riveting nuggets of untempered fascination*, but just that, as long as you have time, there's no reason you can't glean a spot of creativity out of just about anything.

And, if I am stuck for witterings, I shall take incentive from the author of this self published tome I photogratified on a local market book stall just before Christmas:

It seems strange that we've lasted so long without Benson, Mr C's treatise on the Relevance of Sofas. It was a work waiting to happen, and just required someone to get off their comfortably ensconced arse and do it.

And, inexorably, on we go to 2010. It will be the start of life for some, continuation of life for most, and the cessation of life for the rest, which is both heartening and depressing at the same time.

In our household, we finished off the year with a family trip to Birmingham's Sea Life Centre, where they continually demonstrate their grasp of the oxymoron by having a sea life centre in the middle of the country, by having freshwater fish in it, by having an otter colony on the third floor in the middle of a city, and by being staffed by articulate brummies.

Here, I took a pic that, to me, is a tidy metaphor for the human experience in this universe:

I am a dainty, bright, blue-flavoured jellyfish, swimming in the sea of experience, occasionally going upside down and sometimes stinging myself with my own ill-controlled tentacles.



Happy End Of Year Period!

*Although they totally are.


  1. You know, I've been having the name dilemma for a while now. I think twenty ten sounds all sort of futuristic and impressive and a bit on the American side and since I'm over on the American side it makes sense, but two thousand and ten is just too...proper. Not punchy enough. I don't know. These things bother me more than they should.

    As for the Noughties - I hate that saying. It's ridiculous. Decades should not have double meanings or almost entendres surely? I will just refer to them as "that stupid decade after 1999" and leave it at that.

    I sent you my great idea at the email provided. My insult was "you smell like cheese and I have placed a bomb in a shoe at Ten Downing Street" then left my longitude and latitude coordinates as proof it's me. I hope you get it ok. I have to go there's a really loud knock at the door. Anyone'd think they were knocking with a huge gun or something.

  2. You're killing me over here, Jules.

    I think you're on to something with this "retrospective" thing.


  3. Hello The Jules,

    You know what I shall miss about 2009?
    1. A review of the movie Twenty-Twelve
    2. A yellow frog
    3. A leaf hanging in mid-air
    4. A tree limb that resembles a dragon
    5. A tarrapin
    6. A description of locals that when paired with a photograph reveals they're four-legged mammals.
    7. Images which turn up on your camera
    8. Food items of uniquely various shapes, sizes and colors
    9. Your employer's breakroom
    10. A man strolling through the mall with an object in his head

    You've given me much to think, smile and laugh about my friend; for that I am in your debt.

    May you and yours enjoy Two Thousand Ten!


  4. The Vegetable Assassin - I think I'm going to go all yank and say 2010 as well, although if you think I'm going to start writing month/day/year like a colonial you're very much mistook! If Mr Brown asks where red mercury is, tell him my mate Al knows. Al Kyeda.

    Pearl - It's a new concept in contemporary nostalgia. And you're not allowed to die whilst you're so entertaining.

    U - That's what it's all about my friend! May your 2010 be full of goodies.

  5. huzzah! indeed
    i will keep coming back for more fun in the sun in 2010
    good stuff

  6. Maybe you find it easy to find something to write about,but the rest of us struggle sometimes. Any idiot can write a blog about nothing, but you always find the funny side, the interesting thought or the abstract concept to keep us all amused.
    Drink up and see you all next year
    Pash XXX

  7. That jellyfish bit gets my vote for Metaphor of the Year! (also, as there's less than one day left, I don't think anyone can beat it.)

    ; )

  8. Now we can happily say "I remember, back in 'Oh Two' (or 'ought two', which sounds just odd anyway) when we got the new car..." or, "they don't make cars like they did in 'oh eight' ('ought eight' just doesn't work for me). You know, when they still had real engines and didn't use gerbils."

  9. justsomethought - You're always welcome round these here parts.

    Pash - I don't think it matters if it's any good or not, as long as you write something. Also, talking of good writing, where's your blog gone missy?

    Soda and Candy - Ooh, is there a prize? Maybe it's a metaphor for a prize?

    Douglas - Ha, I like "ought two". And is a hybrid engine a cross between a gerbil and something else then? Like a horse?

  10. Now we can finally see elements of '2010: A Space Odyssey' coming true.

  11. This comment has been removed by the author.

  12. Er..I dont know, didnt know it was missing until you said. Thanks, and now where did I put that map..

    (some time later)
    Found it, you can stop looking now everyone. Oh, you weren't looking. Bummer! :-)

  13. Happy New Year,or as I like to say Happy Two Zero One's got a nice ring to it,doesn't it!?!

  14. Mark my words, jellyfish will be the new dolphins.

  15. Visiting from Sky Dad's....

    Fun place you have here! Particularly like the comment on our "inevitable Chinese overlords." Do you owe them money, too?

  16. Should old acquaintance be forgot,
    and never brought to mind ?
    Should old acquaintance be forgot,
    and old lang syne ?

    For auld lang syne, my dear,
    for auld lang syne,
    we'll take a cup of hot brown yet,
    for auld lang syne.
    And surely you'll buy your pint cup !
    and surely I'll buy mine !
    And we'll take a cup o' hot brown yet,
    for auld lang syne.

    We two have run about the Roads,
    and picked the Punters fine ;
    But we've wandered many a weary foot,
    since auld lang syne.

    We two have stood-by in the street,
    from morning sun till dine† ;
    But miles between us broad have stretched
    since auld lang syne.

    And there's a hand my trusty friend !
    And give us a hand o' thine !
    And we'll take a right good-will draught,
    for auld lang syne.

    †Meal break

  17. Sorry for not replying earlier folks. My internet tubes are blocked at home so I'm using the works computer. Don't tell.

    Eric - My phone looks a bit like a black monolith. A tiny, tiny black monolith. "My god,it's full of texts."

    Pash - Good.

    Thinkinfyou - It's a bit flowery and poetic, but it could catch on.

    GB - I don't think ill children will benefit from swimming with jellyfish to quite the same extent.

    Jeanne - Welcome. Glad to have you over. Pull up a beanbag. I don't think I owe the Chinese any money. Although they did give me some free prawn crackers at The Magnificent Wok last week, so maybe they'd disagree.

    Urbane Warrior - I wish there wasn acronym to show delighted hand clapping (DHC?) cos that's what I'm doing now!

  18. I think it is a bit odd my reader finally alerted me to your new post about an hour ago. I don't think it wants me to find anything entertaining lately.

    As far as Jeannie visiting from my place is concerned, She can't be trusted! I believe she is an agent sent by Gordon Brown to keep tabs on you. If you ever meet her in person, have a smoke bomb ready to drop and make your escape with.

  19. SkylersDad - That's probably why your reader sent you to me! Jeanne seems very nice, but I'll keep an eye out. I always have a couple of smoke bombs on me so that's not a problem.

  20. I think I'll be a maverick like Palin this year and call it "two zero one zero".

  21. Ag! Ag! Ag!

    Let's start calling it "MMX", see if it catches on. Max for short. I see good things for us in the year Max. And the following year as well, Maxi.

    My word ver is "rehect", which is also a great throat-clearing noise.

    Happy 2010, The J. You make me laugh here, every time.

  22. Excellent, Jules, you summed up 2009 so nobody else has to! I've taken to dating cheques "The Year of Living Financally Dangerously", and none of them has bounced yet.

  23. Dodgy witterings?

    You, my friend, are not "dodgy" and I love your witterings. Inspirational, long may they continue.

  24. Miss Yvonne - Well, I do like Michael Palin's travel documentaries, but he doesn't strike me as a maverick. How about twentyonety?

    Steamy - "Rehect! REHECT! REHEEEECCTT! Yeah, can I get a tuna mayo to go please?" That really could work!

    Gadjo - I like that. Or the Year of Just Subsisting Dangerously? I only use those giant novelty charity cheques because it makes them a faff to use so I don't bother writing them. My credit card is also five feet across.

    Mo - You're too kind. I will try my durnedest to witter on. :-)

  25. "Red Mercury"

    The blood of your people will spill into the streets while your lands burn in a holy armageddon.

    (You forgot about balloon boy)

    Shit, I was supposed to e-mail that, right? Instructions are hard.

  26. how did i miss this great post, sugar? must have been the drink, no, the celebrations on my birthday and nye. xoxoxo


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