Friday, September 11, 2009

Whatever you do, don't do that. Again.

Gadjo Dilo lives in Romania, and has tagged me from his irritatingly well written and eponymous blog. I wasn't go to do this one because it involves effort, which I try to avoid, but I feel I have to as penance for the terrible Romanian joke I forced my wife to listen to earlier.

"Are you going to Romania?"
"Nope. I'm going abroad."

Eh? EH?

*Cue rolling tumbleweed and small dust-devil in the sparse, arid land of the humour desert. *

According to the rules of Mr Dilo's tag, I must describe 10 things I've done which I wouldn't like to repeat. Mr Dilo only did 5, and so I will continue this mutation until it becomes the standard form of this meme. That's called selection, that is, and don't knock it because without it you wouldn't have Pekingese dogs, or those bald cats, or antelope or triffids.

I reckon this is supposed to be a light-hearted, whimsical exercise, and as such should include suitably ephemeral inconveniences, rather than wailing about how you don't want to get HIV again, or lose another family in the escalator accident. No-one wants to hear about that.

Mind you, the first one I'm thinking of is medical, and there is also, according to my consultant, a high chance of it happening again. He's not an optimistic sort, that doctor. So, to kick off, I give you:

Ureteric colic. Or kidney stones. A strange experience, where an unexplained pain in your back spreads to your front and, over the next couple of hours, gets worse and worse until it's the worst pain you've ever had. And then gets worse! And to top it off, it starts to affect parts of your anatomy that it really doesn't need to.

Tip of penis pain?

Now that's just plain wrong. And apparently, only half of patients get that. Presumably the half with penises.

I was expecting the CT scan to show a stalagmite (or maybe stalactite) of sharpened chalk piercing my innards like a miffed narwhal's tusk, so you can imagine my surprise when they told me the culprit was only three millimetres across. Three? I've had lumps of earwax bigger than that. Admittedly not up my penis because that sort of practise is best left to the French.

The consultant took great delight in telling me how the sharp, shark tooth-like edges of the tiny stone were puncturing the walls of my ureter scoring jagged lacerations down the length of it, hence the pain, and gleefully reiterated that it was likely to re-occur.

Happily, a few days later, I forced it out in a manful, impressive, dray-horse-after-a-bucket-of-beer sort of way, and caught it in a tea-strainer my wife now refuses to use. In fact, I've still got it. Let me go and take a piccy:

There. Something for your entertainment that I made myself, out of calcium oxalate. Can't really get a scale on that. Bear with me:

There ya go. Titchy innit, and yet that made me stagger into A&E like Quasimodo with the runs. Apparently, I should now avoid asparagus and rhubarb, which isn't the most life-changing of medical advice one can receive, so I shouldn't complain.

Had grapefruit for breakfast. I mean, seriously, who came up with the idea that those damn things are even edible, let alone good breakfast material. They literally, literally*, turn my face inside-out. I would be less affected were I to empty a car battery onto my morning Weetos before eating them with a scalpel. Horrid things. My wife disagrees, and points out that whilst I enjoy foods spicy enough to scald a Mexican, I can't do tart and have been known to complain that ripe strawberries are too tangy.

Bought some Bloc sunglasses. They were useless. Well, half of them were useless. The side containing the lens which didn't fall out, even after being sent back to them for repair worked perfectly. It was the other side that I had issues with. Every now and then, the right lens (my right, not yours, unless you're wearing them, then it's your right, not mine. Right?) would make like a salmon and leap away from my face, twirling melodramatically in the sunshine like the flipped coin of a gambling assassin, when he's choosing whether to use the silencer or not. Only the coin would be caught in a grizzled hand and then returned to it's pocket, whereas my lens would invariably land in some dog shit, leaving me the decision as to the worth of retrieving it or not.

Being mean, I usually did, making the "Ew! Ew! Ew!" face as I did so. You know the one I mean.

I now sport some RayBan Aviators which are nice and retro, and make me look exactly like Tom Cruise off of Top Gun. After extensive burns and a failed skin graft following a dodgy landing.

Bought a pedometer.

Pointless, pointless bits of kit. Twelve quid for something that tells me I've done three steps, when I'm half a mile from the house, and I'm just not that tall. It now resides in a tin shaped like R2D2 off of a fillum called Star Battles, or Space Wars or something, and is destined never to be worn again.

Hmm, only one of these has so far involved my penis, which I find surprising. I shall remedy that now.

Caught my willy in my zip. Once, and I was seven, yet I still remember it vividly. My Dad told me he would count to three and yank the zip down, and then went "One . . ." YANK, and thus was I released from my torment. This was undoubtedly the way to go about removing my boyhood from it's torment, but we never spoke again.

It would probably be very, very easy to continue this theme on for ten things I don't want to do again, and maybe carry it on into the hundreds, but I have a sort of life outside this blog, and so do, I assume, my readers. For that reason, I'll leave it at five.

I've tagged a few people recently and I get the feeling that, should I do it again so soon, I'd make a name for myself as a pest. Tempting though that is, I shall refrain and simply offer this one out to all of you to consider, unless you've never made a mistake.

In which case, you're not a proper blogger.

Now get out there and make some mistakes!

*And by literally, I mean not really.


  1. LOL! I can't believe you saved a picture of your kidney stone!

  2. Your dad did the right thing. The de-zipping of the willy has to be a surprise. You can't allow a boy to anticipate it.

  3. "Titchy innit, and yet that made me stagger into A&E like Quasimodo with the runs."


    I will never forget my friend who found his murderous pain start as soon as he and his wife started up a ramp toward the cruise ship, right when they snap your picture.

    Not fun for him of course but a classic photo for the family album.

  4. Outstanding stuff, you made my day with this!

  5. Do they have any of those pedometers that work in reverse?

    Thank goodness you numbered the things not to be experienced, I had an uneasy moment when you started listing animals in the first paragraph.

  6. My most expensive sunglasses cost me $10 (whatever that is in quid or pounds or ...). Most cost me $5 or less. I have a bit over half a dozen. Only one has ever popped a lens and that was `cause I poked at it with my hand (hmmmm. they were the $10 ones, as I recall, I detect a pattern). I started buying cheap sunglasses because I kept losing them or breaking them and I thought I would feel better if they didn't cost me a paycheck or two. I have only lost one pair since and that was a pair that fell out of my pocket into an oil slick retainer barge.

    I refuse to have stones of any kind.

  7. Ooh, you saved yourself with that *literally* footnote!

    Kidney stones sound even more horrifying than UTIs.

  8. The Jules,

    I remember tasing eel, at the time I didn't know it was eel. That taught me to first know what someone offers me to eat.


  9. Ripe with comedy fruitfulness, Jules old son, though not in a tart way of course! The Romania joke is salable: stick it on eBay immediately, I'll bid against you to get the interest started. There's something deeply suspect a pedometer, though maybe if one does that buttock-frotting speed-walking thing then people wouldn't notice the pedometer so much.

  10. thinkfyou - Actually, I took those pics specially for this post, I'll have you know. That's far less weird.

    GB - In retrospect I know you're right, and I suppose it is a right of passage of sorts.

    PoliticsChick - lol, and a nice reminder for him in the years to come!

    SkylersDad - Glad you liked it matey.

    Eric - I don't regret any of the animals. Except maybe the hedgehog.

    Douglas - Half a dozen? If you never lose them, you could safely buy yourself a single posh pair! Although Sod's Law would mean you'd lose the expensive ones, so you're probably right.

    Soda and Candy - That one was for you!

    U - Life is full of mystery. Sometimes those mysteries are quite shitty.

    Gajo D - Buttock-frotting? Oh, I like that!

  11. '...the right lens (my right, not yours, unless you're wearing them, then it's you right, not mine. Right?'

    That made me literally* say the words tee hee.

    *yeah literally; tee hee.

  12. Grapefruit are evil. No. 5 deserves a moment of respectful silence. Zips are evil too. I have caught my lady items in a zip and it always made me wonder why anyone would ever contemplate wearing nipple clamps.

  13. i am so glad to have read this, and so glad that it was someone else that went trough that. you are the only blogger that could make passing a stone sound funny, i cringed on the writing.
    your dad sounds, like he was like mine was.

  14. Alex - I occasionally do a snort out loud.

    Mdme DeF - There are no words to describe how your comment makes me feel, other than respectfully, mutually sad, and a little bit horny.

  15. Bob - Sorry, missed you in the crossover there. Actually, I've been very lucky in choosing a good Dad to father me, depite his rough todger-handling history! He also reads this blog occasionally.

  16. You are just so incredibly funny. So I'm just here to say that. I love this blog.

  17. Kristine - Thank you. Nice to have you along.

  18. I can't do a meme like this because I'd be writing for about 10 years.

  19. A life without rhubarb or asparagus would depress me greatly. As would a life without superb posts from you.

  20. Too much information..too much information....(zzt,fsst) information overload.
    information overload.

  21. Wendy - I know what you mean. That's why I chose a quick random sample, like pond-dipping in a lake of regret!

    Mr London St - You have dubious tastes MLS, especially in blogs! But ta!

    Pash - More where that came from, I expect.

  22. I have seldom laughed so long and inelegantly about kidney stones. And at last I have an excuse to avoid rhubarb. Great, great post.

  23. Soda and Candy - :-)

    Bro. Tobias - Thnak you. And who;d have thought rhubarb could be so painful, eh?

  24. Crumbs, now I'm feeling a bit sick. Thanks for that. One thing I will never do again is eat an entire pack of dried apricots in a few short minutes. Got me for days that did. Un the up-side I became very chummy with the bathroom.

  25. Hands down -- that's MY hands down, not yours, unless you'd like to, in which case I say, "Hey, do what you want" -- the funniest thing I've read today.

    You're a strange, strange man, and I like you.


  26. Mo - You're welcome. I can't say apricots have ever given me any gyp. You must be a delicate flower.

    Pearl - I've been told I'm eccentric. By some quite mad people. And I like you too!

  27. Fabulous list; this is the first meme I've started and it's going splendidly so far. My brother in law had a kidney stone a few mopnths back and told a story similar to yours. The problem is that "stone" implies something rounded and pebbly. A kidney stone is actually a *crystal*...

    Wordver: coentes - Spanish for the bruises caused by getting part of your anatomy caught in your castanets.

  28. Gyppo - They are like bits of sharp flint. And I'll always remember those coentes, I can tell you.

  29. Jules, you are so right... there are some things better left to the French, far more emotionally equipped that we of sensitive English descent.

    That actually made me spill my beer, I was so glad I was not drinking scolding hot coffee, much better for the gonads, as I am sure you'll appreciate after your experiences.



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