Monday, September 7, 2009


In the beginning, there was a blank space. Then, I typed some words on it, and posted it on a blog. And then stuck on a picturemogram from my phone for good measure. This seems like fun, I thought, and then amended that to This seems like fun, when I remembered that I think in italics. I shall do some more.

So I did. Ninety-nine more, in fact. This is good because Douglas (my first ever commenter and a blogger of class and gentle intelligence) called me a slacker when I'd only done fifty posts, which made me determined to continue.

So, what have I learned from blogging? Well, two things mainly.

First, it's about enjoying yourself.

Second, it's about the people.

Not exactly world-shattering news there. If you're not blogging for profit, then the first is fairly self-explanatory, but I get the impression from other blogs that people get stressed if they haven't posted for a while. I can understand this as I've occasionally fallen victim to that sort of angst, and have had to remind myself that posting on your blog shouldn't be a chore. Like sexual intercourse, if it becomes more of an effort than a pleasure, then one should just hang up one's Batman outfit, get down off the wardrobe and quietly leave the area.

Happily for me, after a few days I'm positively itching, mostly to do with this unexplained rash, but partly with the urge to write something.

The latter reason has taken me a bit by surprise, as I wasn't expecting to make friends doing this. I thought it would be one of those exercises where a few people read you, some commented, you reciprocated and then you drifted off onto other bloggy avenues. What I wasn't expecting was to care about the people I've (sort of) met, to worry when they're ill or haven't posted for a long time with no reason, or to get quite so chuffed by receiving comments as I do.

If the comments had been mostly negative, then I might have decided against furthering this malarkey. It's the positive responses you have given (mostly) which have perpetuated this blog, so you've only got yourselves to blame.

A hundred posts later, and I'm not yet bored with doing it, so what better way to celebrate than to continue the tradition of posting a couple of pics I took because they amused me, momentarily.

The first is some opportunistic graffitage, and not just spray-painted stuff which can be removed or painted over with a bit of angry tutting and elbow grease, but someone who has taken the time to finger-scrawl a message in the wet rendering on a wall before it set. This is a good way of doing things, for it means that your graffiti is there for perpetuity, so future generations can look on your work and think about what you meant. The owner of the building becomes an unwitting billboard for your alternative viewpoints, be they social commentary or revolutionary incitement.

Or you could just write 'sex cock' and let it go at that:

For someone who probably wrote three words in all the months they spent in high school, this sort of literary achievement amounts to a veritable dissertation, and the fact that both words are spelled correctly would no doubt bring a tear of gratitude to their English teacher's rheumy black eye. This is the proud voice of someone who is not ashamed of their lack of cerebral ability, who positively revels in their dumbosity, and wants the world to know that, above all things, they really do value sex cock.

Intelligence, whether academic or emotional, does not make a better person, and this is where intelligent snobbery falls down. I've met many a numpty with a doctorate, and some of the best, nicest people I've ever met have had the IQ of a Spectrum ZX81, without the 16 k RAM upgrade.

It would be nice to have more brains, but we are forced to make do with what we have by virtue of our physiology, and impersonating Stephen Hawking does not, apparently, give everyone else the impression that you are super intelligent, no matter how much fun it might be.

There is also no excuse to be proud of our limitations, only our attempts to overcome them. This seems to go against the sort of untermensch who regularly boast of never having read a book, or got a job, or stretched themselves in any way at all, and is like a reverse intellectual snobbery where any argument to the contrary is met with either bemused silence or outright hostility.

Anyone who challenges someone else with the words "You fink you're better 'n us, don'tcha?" should really be prepared to accept the almost universally true answer of "Yes. Yes I do."

In a world where being gormless seems to have become de rigueur, it's nice to know that some anonymous Swedish furniture stores have tried to redress the balance, and you can actually purchase gorm from their shop:

So, you may well be ignorant enough to think that bread or chicken skin can be used as a contraceptive (hence your eleven children), and you may say "Can I lend a fiver?" when you mean "borrow" (does that drive anyone else as mental as it drives me?) but you can always claim you're not gormless now. Look, you have a gorm right there in your living shack.

It's not all about being clever. It's not all about being extremely pleased with yourself for having had the luck to be breast fed, avoiding brain injury and always being supplied with appropriate amounts of oxygen. What it is about is being self-aware, of seeing what you're capable of, achieving it, and then trying to achieve some more.

Let's live in a society where aspiration means more than just inhaling your own vomit.


  1. Happy Blog-o-versary good sir, and if I may, the 110cm size of gorm is just pure shit. You should always go with the 100cm.

  2. As it is almost beer:thirty, may I be the first to offer a CHEERS! in congratulations for your accomplishment o' 100 posts.

  3. "First, it's about enjoying yourself,second,it's about the people."

    Wise words indeed.

  4. alrighty then , man you just had to show up and do this on labor day, man what a task and what a challenge. gorms...go get em
    grats, jules

  5. Congratulations on 100 posts!

  6. Happy 100th! I was also surprised by how quickly one becomes addicted to telling the world one's innermost secrets and unveiling one's foibles online. It really is about the bloggy friends you make! I agree with you and Jimmy Bastard... "First, it's about enjoying yourself, second, it's about the people." Well said!

  7. Blogratulations!

    (you see, I just made up a word for you.)

    Very true words. I try not to feel bad if I haven't posted in a while. Usually I remind myself that I'm not getting paid so it's not worth doing unless it's fun. Then I take a break and come back whenever I feel like it and be as half-assed as I feel like being.

    Misuse of "literally" is the one that makes me crazy.

  8. Lots of people probably have blogs they enjoy and have made friends they love as a result, and that's great even if they feature eighteen exclamation marks per sentence.

    It's not just about those things, it's also about the writing and the talent. And you have shedloads of both. So congratulations mainly on that, and also on reaching the century mark.

  9. Having suggested inadvertently that you have shedloads of writing undermines my point somewhat. But I know what I meant.


    i've never heard anyone mix up "lend" and "borrow" before. that's a special breed of uneducated, i suppose

  11. SkylersDad - I think you could be right, although one could argue that you can never have too much gorm. Unless you're gormful.

    Charlene - Cheers! I've got a Kronenburg with my name on it in the fridge.

    Jimmy - I might apply it to a number of facets to my life. maybe work . . .

    plainolbob - Cheers Bob!

    Thinkinfyou - Thankinfromee!

    CatLadyLarew - Thanks, and isn't it just.

    Soda and Candy - I'm completely extramulated about your made up word! Literally.

    Mr London St - Ta. And I know you know what you meant because I know what you meant as well.

    Miss Chief - It's really common round these parts (England). And I only use the batman suit for clinical, no nonsense sex.

  12. Listen mister, I'd much rather inhale my own vomit than hang up my Bat-cape. That baby is staying on forever.



  13. I feel like I've been here from the start. You remain one of my favourite bloggers. Goodness knows why. Must be mutual boredom or nothing good on the TV. You keep going. I'll wear the Catwoman suit.

  14. I have made it! I have achieved success in blogdom. I have been mentioned. I assure you that "slacker" was meant in only the most gratuitous connotation and was intended to urge you on to greatness.

    I take all the credit, of course.

  15. Congratulations on your blogcentennial.

    I've had this same series of thoughts run through my head (without the sex cock graffitti - the graffitti around here is illegible.)
    Blogging, for me, has become so much about the people. So odd to have such an affinity for people I've never met, and yet, I do.
    Including you, sir. I look forward to your posts so much because I like you.

    Also because you are a wickedly funny and insightful writer.

  16. Let me try that again.

    Congratulations on your blogcentennial!!

    (Damn exclamation points.)

  17. Mo - Good man. The ladies will admire your dedication, even above the hygiene issue!

    Mdme DeF - The feeling's reciprocated. And have you met Mo? He also has a batman suit. Surgically attached apparently.

    Douglas - Credit where credit's due eh?

    Vic - Aw shucks! I wasn't trawling for compliments you know. But yay! And thanks for the double exclamationage. That's one short of mad, so must be all right. Yay again !!!

  18. 100 posts, congratulations! ...
    Thats far to many big words for me to ever expect to effectuate.
    I do graffiti...I add 'is a cock' in thick black texta I bought especially for the purpose to all those otherwise cool names and tags I see about the town. I hope it drives the little bastards crazy...

  19. Happy 100th...
    Haha, still laughing about the plaster message and associated commentary.
    BTW, congrats on being the only to figure out the anagram from Thursday.

  20. happy 100th post, sugarpie!! y'all are a delight to read/know and i am truly honored to know y'all! xoxoxo

  21. "impersonating Stephen Hawking does not, apparently, give everyone else the impression that you are super intelligent" is my quote of the week. Happy 100.

  22. Pash - I feel the need to buy a marker pen now. Are you allowed to correct grammar on graffiti, or is that still illegal?

    Eric - Glad you liked it!

    Savvy - Thank you Ma'am. You're accent is nice even typed.

    Bro. Tobias - Ta very much. I've also discovered impersonating Ursain Bolt doesn't fool people into thinking you're a very fast runner, especially when you're a short, white English bloke.

  23. Congrats on reaching 100!! Oh and you're most welcome for the LOST recap! Never fear, Dr Onion is here!

  24. Dr O - Good. Saved me a job that did. This site is a bit more active than outdoor idiots, don'tcha think?

  25. Never mind the Spectrum ZX81, and the 16 k RAM upgrade, some of the best, nicest people are still in slide rule territory. When I was at skool they became manual workers and were proud of the fact they weren't ponces; and it seems a good idea to let people be proud of whatever it is they can do. And, anyway, most most plumbers earns more than I do.

  26. Gadjo D - I remember coming home from university, planning on how to make up the shortfall from my student grant (that dates me), and being picked up by mates who were sparkies and plumbers in their VW Golfs and Renault 5's.

    Most of them are still doing pretty well.

  27. Yeah, that place seems to be in permanent hibernation! Never mind, eh?!! lol


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