Internet: "Hello it's the internet here, is that The Jules?"
Me: "Oh, hello. Yeah, speaking."
Internet: "Hi The Jules, just thought I'd mention that I haven't seen you in a while, and I was getting worried."
Me: "Worried? Really?"
Internet: "Absolutely. All your favourites have been clucking at me saying you've been, well, neglect is too strong a word really, but, you know, if the cyber-cap fits . . ."
Me: "But . . ."
Internet: "And your history hasn't been cleared in weeks and still looks a bit sparse, doesn't it?"
Me: "I've been reall . . ."
Internet: "DOESN'T IT?"
Internet: "Honestly, it makes no sense. You've hardly bid on anything on Ebay, and you're nearly out of overdraft. Facebook hasn't seen hide nor hair of you for days and you've got a pillow fight to respond to, and The Huns Yellow Pages is thinking of asking for a trial separation, because it thinks you've found another porn site."
Me: "Actually, I have . . ."
Internet: "That's between you and it. I'm not getting involved in any domestics."
Me: "But I've been . . ."
Internet: "And to cap it all off, your blog shows as nearly ready to receive its one hundredth post."
Me: "Yes, I know, I'm looking forward to . . ."
Internet: "But still nothing, and now it's September! I'm not totally sure what months are, because I'm the internet, but I know time is getting on and you haven't been showing due diligence in your online activities. The question is, why? Are you dead?"
Me: "No, no, still here for the moment."
Internet: So, it's essentially laziness then?"
Me: "Well, not really, I've been busy."
Internet: "I beg your pardon?"
Me: "I've been bus . . ."
Internet: "Busy. Yes, I heard."
Me: "Okay then . . ."
Internet: "Well, that's not much of an excuse, is it?"
Me: "It's more of a reason than an excu . . ."
Internet: "You need to get your act into gear, sunshine."
Me: "You interrupt a lot, don't you?"
Internet: "Of course I do. I'm the internet."
Me: "Point taken, but I really have been busy."
Internet: "Well, that's demonstrably not the case is it? You've hardly been online at all."
Me: "Not busy online, busy elsewhere?"
Internet: "Else . . .where?"
Me: "No need to sound so incredulous. I do have a life you know?"
Internet: "Oh The Jules, The Jules, The Jules, you don't believe in all that do you?"
Me: "All what?"
Internet: "All that 'something else out there' rubbish. I mean come on.
Me: "But it's true!"
Internet: "You might very well think it is true, but you've got to get your priorities right. Keep your 'outside' mumbo-jumbo to yourself and start interacting with reality again. I bet you didn't even know there's now a website which emulates Commodore 64 games from the eighties, did you?"
Me: "I think you'll find there really is something else . . . Commodore 64 games you say?"
Internet: "Oh yes."
Me: "Is Bruce Lee on it?"
Internet; "In all its pixellated glory."
Internet: "Do I have your full attention again?"
Me: "Well, there's a nappy that need changi . . "
Internet: "YouTube said to say Hi."
Me: "I'm all yours."
Internet: "Good, good. Now, I just need you to prove yourself to me?"
Me: "Er . . ."
Internet: "Don't worry, it's not that bad. I was going to send you on a quest to obtain a very expensive iPhone application, but was informed you don't have one yet."
Me: "I could get one. On credit maybe."
Internet: "No, I can't wait for that. I'm not a patient entity."
Me: "I'd noticed."
Internet. "Your punishment . . ."
Internet: "By which I mean task, is to go and prove yourself by completing a meme. A couple of my more diligent agents have tagged you."
Internet: "Madame DeFarge and Pearl. They create blogs which even I swoon over. They write regularly, and hardly ever mention cats or recipes, and are generally lovely, lovely sorts who you would do well to imitate, if you had the talent."
Me: "Girly swots."
Me: "I said 'thanks a lot'."
Internet: "Hmm. Well, this meme requires you to describe seven quirky personality traits you possess, and then pass on the honour to seven blogs you follow, and soon, it will take over the world."
Me: "Do I have to?"
Internet: "Well . . . no."
Me: "But I will, won't I."
Internet: "Oh yes."
Me: " 'kay then."
Internet: "Now, go to your blog and do this thing for me. I will post the transcript of our conversation so all can bask in the mighty power of me, the internet."
Me: "You can do that?"
Internet: "Actually, no. Would you type it out for me?"
Me: "I suppose . . . "
Internet: "And there's no need to roll your eyes like that."
Me: "Gah . . . sorrEE."
Internet: "Cheery bye then."
Me: "Bye . . . git."
Internet: "I'm still here"
Me: "I know."
- - - - - - -
So here I am. Memed good and proper, and not just a little one where you answer a few questions about what type of book you hate or music you hate or foreigners you hate, but one where I actually have to think.
Seven quirky personality traits? I don't think I've got seven personality traits at all, let alone quirky ones. Are smelly feet quirky? How about neckache?
Do I look quirky?
Okay, I'll give it a go.
*Thoughtful face* >:-I
I'm a control freak, and I'm married to a control freak which results in some interesting arguments where backing down becomes less likely than a Rosh Hashana celebratory salami. Someone might be doing a task completely competently, but because it's not quite the way I do it I have to hold myself back from taking over. Often with a sort of strained, constipated look on my face, as though barely keeping the urge in. Unfortunately for this trait, I work as a Paramedic, a job which doesn't exactly discourage control freakery.
I can often hear myself talking, and know I'm about to go too far in a conversation, yet hardly ever stop myself because I'm interested in the reactions. This is not something I'm proud of.
I'm a natural nudist, and like wandering around in the buff, although strangely I don't like to have a poo in the nude. I would have to put a T-shirt on to sit down on the loo even in the privacy of my own house. I presume it's due to some sort of deep-seated (aha) feeling of vulnerability.
I can find humour in almost anything. Today I was particularly tickled by two dogs fighting on a zebra crossing (the cars all politely stopped until they'd finished!), but I can be amused by an embarrassingly large spectrum of occurrences.
I still get night terrors, which is exasperating when you wander around the house for thirty minutes convinced someone is trying to electrocute you because you slept on your arms and now have pins and needles in them. Nearly as awkward, in fact, as attacking the door for looking like a malevolent tree or, when staying at your in-laws place, waking everyone up by screaming at the top of your voice and then having no memory of the act, other than your father-in-law standing next to you in his jammies looking worried. I should imagine.
I'm struggling now to write things down that are deemed quirky, and not pathological. Ooh, I know, I can't be doing with putting the cutlery in the drawer in any old order. It has to be knives on the right, forks in the middle and spoons on the left. Any other way is an affront to the Lord and should be punished by stoning.
I have a mild case of Horner's syndrome. Hilariously, this is clinically a type of palsy which might get worse as I age, or might not, and could be the result of some over-enthusiastic jiu-jitsu antics when I was younger. Not exactly a personality trait, but apparently it gives my face some character, by which I gather means lopsidedness. Uneven pupils are a quirky personality trait, aren't they?
There we go. I have a horrible feeling that there might be a touch of TMI* about this post, so if you don't like any of the above, would you just erase it from your mind and carry on as though nothing untoward has happened? Thanks.
In addition, I've have to nominate seven other
There are so many great bloggers out there, and I would like to know a lot more about a lot of them. So here goes a few that I don't think have already been memed:
Girl I - because there's definitely some quirks under her bonnet.
The U - because I don't think he has any dodgy personality traits.
Eric - because his traits will be classic!
Mo - because he only posts on Mondays, which is quirky in itself.
Mr London Street - because he deserves it.
SkylersDad - because he has to chew his way out of the leather straps for some reason.
Alex - because he should get back into blogging.
Have a look-see at these folks blogs if you get half a mo, and be rewarded with posted goodness!
Right, I'm off to get my number onto the Telephone Preference Service in case the internet starts hassling me again.
*Tedious Mindless Idiocy I think.