Monday, November 28, 2011

Badder sex

Publicity is being gained for writers who have penned some prose involving questionable copulation, their reward being the honour of receiving the coveted Bad Sex Award from Literary Review.

Having only briefly perused the offenders, I was half expecting it to be about actual bad sex, maybe where one partner rests an elbow on the other's hair, or involving a nasty clash of teeth, or perhaps a mid-coitus nosebleed, but it's not. It’s just about sex.

I don’t think I’d be too embarrassed about receiving a bad sex award (unless it was from my wife), because it must be exceptionally difficult trying to be original when describing something people have been doing since . . . well, since before there were people.

So, in the guise of any publicity being good publicity, unless you're a murderer, I have decided to have a stab at it. You can insert an innuendo here if you are childish and unsophisticated.

Heh. Insert.

Picture the scene. It is one of classic romance, involving traditional gender orientation and eroticism that has appealed to both men and women since time immemorial.

She opened wide after a single knock, and raised a questioning eyebrow at the darkly tall stranger standing before her.

"I have come. . . " he growled deep in his throat, a testosterone fuelled baritone that she could feel in her very core, its timbre threatening to vibrate her knickers off, " . . . to fix your washing machine."

"Oh god!" she exclaimed breathlessly, "I was just going to have a bath." She looked at him askance, and he looked back at her askance as well, "In the nude!" she elucidated.

"But I have already brought my enormous plumbing tool," he waved it back and forth in front of her flushed cheeks, its hard, unforgiving length still glistening from another lady's fluids.

"My!" she gasped, admiring his professional manner. "Then it would be a shame if you got it out and didn't get chance to use it."

"I will be very . . ." He leaned forward, lowering his voice even further as their eyes met, his gaze smouldering like slices of black pudding in a frying pan " . . . quick."

"Good." she whispered back, relief flooding quite literally out of her, and she led him into the bedroom where she kept her washing machine.

"I keep my washing machine in the bedroom." She told him.

"That is completely normal and requires no clarification." He smoothed his moustache down and wiped his brow. "It's a little hot in here." He pointed out unnecessarily. "Would you mind if I made myself a little more . . ." he paused as he unbuttoned his shirt and searched for a word, " . . . sexy."

"Why not at all." She replied. "It is very, very warm in here, and me wearing this hot, winter silk negligee as well." She shrugged it off, but left her high heels on for the purposes of decorum.

"Now," he knelt before her and raised his tool in front of them both, expertly manoeuvring it into position. "Let me at it."

"That's it. Right there" She showed him. "Yes. There. Right in the alcove. That's it. Right there."

"Yes, I can see it because it is quite large, it being a washing machine."

True to his word, he was expertly quick, finishing rapidly and then holding up his tool wot was all covered in white residue.

"You see, the problem is you haven't been descaling it, and it's a bit like a kettle in that respect, so perhaps you should use Calgon."

"That's really very efficient of you, and reasonably priced as well. Thank you very much,"

"You're welcome." He cleaned his tool on the bedroom curtains before making his way to the van, leaving another very satisfied customer in his wake.

A few days later they met in the street, swapped numbers and went on three dates, which culminated in some satisfactory sexual intercourse and began a pleasant relationship lasting almost two years before ending relatively amicably.
Actually, forget the bad sex awards, this stuff is pretty hot.

Sorry it was so short.


  1. :-)

    So there's time for another one then?


  2. Standing slow clap to you sir (the applause kind of clap, not the disease) that was well done!

  3. That was hilarious,Jules, thanks for making me laugh out loud. Loved the analogies :)

  4. So funny I'm going to publicise it in my blog. I hope thats ok with you.

  5. "That is completely normal and requires no clarification" is such a hilarious line.
    I never knew you had such a naughty side

  6. Pearl - Always!

    SkylersDad - Ha! Than' yew very much!

    Joe P - You're welcome. And I'd be honoured!

    gweenbrick - I also break windows!

  7. Brilliant. Though I've never seen a movie where someone comes to fix a washing machine and she keeps her heels on. Nope. Perhaps someone else can explain it to me?

  8. We all know that bad sex is when you have leg or foot cramps at a, umm, most inopportune moment. That was bad sex writing... and a clearly disappointing porn movie script.

  9. The use of Calgon in a sex scene is worthy of an award on it's own. Genuinely funny.

  10. Baglady - Ta very much. And it's because she's a classy lady. She might not wear much, but by damn she'll wear it with style!

    Douglas - Is Bad Sex Writing the sequel to Good Will Hunting?

    Lo - I aim to be of service, and by service I mean . . . well, service.

    Tony Van Helsing - Thank you. And I thought everyone kept Calgon in the bedroom? Mine's near the Swarfega.

  11. I enjoyed that so much, I devoured it twice, gaining tremendous enjoyment each time. :)

    Also I should just point out that, "Yes, I can see it because it is quite large, it being a washing machine." made me laugh so hard something gaseous came out of my rear.

  12. oh, that is good. but then i have sort of an unseemly penchant for reading about bad sex. now you know the worst.

  13. You weird, perverted Englishman...just my kind of person...well done that man!
    Kymbo at:

    Theres a fault in my Blogger page and I cant comment on those pages with the comments below the blog like yours...S'ok!

  14. Veggie Ass - High praise indeed! And don't worry; in some societies I believe it's perfectly polite to break wind when expressing appreciation for something amusing. You don't want to visit their comedy clubs though.

    In Bed With Married Women - Reading about it's fine. Doing it, on the other hand . . .

    MysticKymboTempo - How confusing! It's probably something to do with the distance. The internet tube has to come straight through the centre of the planet, I think.

  15. Well that washing machine fixing man was a bit horrible cleaning his tools all over a ladies curtains..

  16. Feryx - A gentleman always cleans his tool.

  17. YOU'RE HILARIOUS!!! Geez, this is almost making me forget I was cleaning the oven an hour ago!

  18. karensomethingorother - It's the fumes from the oven cleaner. They've made you forgetful!


I'm going to risk taking comment moderation off for a bit, so if you're a web-bot, a robot, a bot-fly or a bottom-dwelling sediment-feeder, then please refrain from commenting.

Otherwise, have a go. S'fun.