Sunday, July 17, 2011

Quantum Motherf***ing Leap

What's this thing?

Ooh, a blog. Whose is it?

Ah, mine. 

Oh yes, I remember, it's all coming back now. I occasionally blog about stuff, if I'm not attending to super-interesting extra-internet stuff like being a double-secret undercover agent battling evil rocket ninjas on the moon! Yeah, that's what I've been doing. Fighting evil rocket ninjas with laser-shurikens and anti-gravity slippers, and everyone knows rocket ninjas are the worst type of ninja because not only are they deadly and silent, apart from when their rockets are turned on, but they're also fast. What with the rockets and that.

Also, I went on holiday to Ibiza, and I've done a shit load of overtime at work to post-pay off my credit card, now-pay for the shopping and pre-pay for my car to be fixed after it decided it didn't need things like a catalytic converter or power steering fluid anymore. I did get the opportunity to drive it for three and a half hours to Luton airport without power steering though, which reminded me of the elderly Vauxhall Cavalier I drove when I was nineteen, only with more nappies and less Rizlas.

I parked the parent-mobile in a hotel, like so:

And tried to ignore the confidence-building broken glass in the bay a couple of spaces along:

Sadly, when I returned from holiday a week later, the car was still there, completely unstolen, and I had to drive it back across the southern bits of England with it making a SCREE-UNKUNKUNK noise on every roundabout.

So that's my lame-O excuses solid reasons for not blogging for three weeks covered.

Of course, the reality of the situation is that life with dependents means you have to be very dependable, and put the things you like behind the things you love.

Damn you, things I love! *shakes fist at things I love*

Anyway, enough with the moaning. It's not all bad. Occasionally I get to do things for myself. Just the other week I brushed my teeth and, sometimes, just now and then, I get that rarest of pearls, that most delicate wisp of ephemera, that tiny nugget of real meat in the Fray Bentos pie of time.

A moment to myself.

The wife is out. The kids are unconscious sleeping peacefully. The housework has been hidden. Suddenly, I can do something for me! I could read some poetry. I could do some of that professional development stuff I've heard we're supposed to do for work. I could research why everyone in Crime and Punishment seems to have three names. I could paint the front doorstep so it looks less like a sandcastle. Lots of productive, important, beneficial things, ripe for the taking, plucking and goosing. It's almost a luxury.

Right, what's on the telly? 

Yeah, that's the spirit. Something that doesn't involve strangely ripped children's TV presenters gallivanting about, or cartoons, or brainwashing babies into recycling. Something I might actually choose to watch!

Go to guide, press the button, forget there's always about a seconds delay till it displays the info, by then having pressed the button three more times, and then frantically try and get back to the page you want as the telly catches up with your button presses, finally only doing so when you force yourself to leave the damn thing alone for ten seconds, breathe deeply, and then see what's on.

Once again, abject crap.

Well, it is Tuesday, and everybody should be out partying I suppose.

It's no wonder I watch books instead. I'd read even more if someone hadn't invented the internet or made me have children.

That sounds like I'm suggesting my wife invented the internet, which I'm pretty sure she didn't. I think it was discovered rather than invented, like gravity and the Dyson.

Hey, look, I'm missing Pobyl Y Cum, on Welsh telly. That's been going on for years, and the only reason is because it's called Pobyl Y Cum, which is funny in any language. 

What else is there? Judge Judy Take Me Out? Ew. Oh wait, that's not one programme I have no wish to watch, but two. That's all right then. And Loose Women, which is . . . just . . . awful. I mean . . . just . . . awful.

Lot of repeats then, and I can't help but see that Quantum Leap is on, which I used to enjoy as a guilty geeky pleasure when I was a student. That dates me. Quantum Leap was a harmless, mildly entertaining, uncontroversial comedy drama where a scientist called Sam travels back in time to put the occasional bad thing right. Rather than kill Pol Pot, stop the Bhopal gas leak or suggest that the staff at Three Mile Island take the red flashing warning light seriously, he gets a bloke to tell some girl he loves her, or wins a race, or ejects out of a plane before it crashes, that sort of thing.

I don't remember this episode though, and judging by the description at the bottom, it's a saucy one, despite it being just six in the evening. Nudity, acts of violence and strong language? Does Sam leap into an orgy? Does the series try and revive flagging ratings by getting him to pop a cap in someones ass?

It was my type of description, and I clicked on it to discover whether Sam travels back in time to give Marilyn Monroe a damn good seeing to and thus prevent her early demise (which is what would've happened if I'd written it). Unfortunately, at that moment, my daughter decided to wake up and beckon me with the full-nappy alarm call, and my son with his "Why am I in bed when it's only six o'clock?" wail.

Sigh . . .


  1. not to worry, sugar! one day you'll have all the time in the world just for you and you'll miss these days! xoxoxoxo

  2. easy on the speed, or what ever drugs you are doing... loll
    Peace Bro...

  3. Oh you poor bugger, so the parental madness hasn't kicked in yet then? Dont worry, it will soon and things will be completely different.
    Did I say 'completely different'?
    I actually meant 'exactly the same' but your mind will start to slip and you wont care anymore. One day blends into another, each week slips effortlessly into the next and before you know it you're 50, surrounded by grand-kids all wanting something different and only just coming back to your senses...yep, much to look forward to!

  4. Ooh, comments. Yay! Thank you!

    Savvy - Yeah I know. Loving it really.

    Neo - Just natural seratonin mate. And crack.

    Tempo - Well . . . jolly good . . . oh man, what've I done? Brave face! Brave face!

  5. Oddly enough, just this very morning I was discussing with someone in the UK why it is that every time I turned my sister's TV on when I was there, Quantum Leap was on. Was it some weird world conspiracy to distract us from the fact there's nothing at all worth watching on actual TV but we won't notice because we'll be too busy going " this 1992? Have we gone back in time, FOR REAL?" For the record, the last one I saw over there had Sam sexing up some chick in heavy sixties make up and pointy boobs while dressed as an Italian gangster. Raunchy old devil.

    Incidentally, I have no idea what "Loose Women" is, but it sounds like like SHOULD be interesting...

  6. It's comvenient that Sam never leapt into the body of someone in the middle of having a shag. Let's see him say 'Oh boy' then.

  7. Didn't the Sam character on Quantum Leap have some sort of mentor guy walking around with a first-generation iPhone telling him what to do?

    Good to hear that you went to Ibiza conventionally, instead of 'leaping'.

  8. Sometimes I put my kids to bed early too. It's when I'm at my wit's edge.

    Is QL that show with Scott Bakula or whatever his name his? Have you watched Men of a Certain Age with him and Ray Ramano? It's awesome! If not, watch online and start with season one.

  9. Uncontroversial?? Clearly you missed the one where Scott Bakula went back in time and found himself in the body of a slave in 1800's America?? Ooooohhhh shoe's on the other foot now, isn't it, white man!!

  10. I used to love Quantum leap also. But I love all things sciency-fictiony (patent pending on that term).

  11. Veggie Ass - Was it the same episode every time as well? And Loose Women . . . isn't ace. Really, not.

    Tony Van Helsing - True. Or someone involved in some auto-erotic asphyxiation. He would've just gone "Hm Bmm!"

    Eric - Good point and it did, I seem to remember, have the handy 'whack on the side to make it work' app. Useful. And I did a leap into a pool in Ibiza, but it wasn't very quantum.

    Wow TWA - Not just me then. It never works. And I'll have to look out for that show.

    Steamy - Who said I was white? I'm a sort of off-pink, bluey-red, like a fine cheese you probably wouldn't eat. Let My People Tan.

    Pearl - Yep! Some cream should clear it up mind.

    SkylersDad - It's the word of the future!


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