Saturday, August 21, 2010

Bang goes the baby's head


Wanna see a hairy baby?

Course you do:

That's Bonobo, and she's 5 and a half months old. Combing her hair is a two person job, and we're getting resigned to the fact that, conversation starter or not, it's going to have to get trimmed soon.

The conversations invariably go something like this:

OLD DEAR: "Ooh pretty, how old?"
ME: "Five months."
OD: "You must be very GOOD GRIEF LOOK AT THAT HAIR!"
ME: "Yes, she has got quite a bi . . ."
OD: "Marge! MARGE! Come and look at this hairy baby!"
OTHER OLD DEAR: "What's that Pru?"
OD: "This baby. It's very very hairy."
ME: "She."
OD (nodding): "She's very very hairy, Marge. Very hairy baby!"
OOD: "Well, babies do seem to have lots of hair these d . . . WHOA!"
OD: "See?"
OOD : "Yes. Yes I do. That really is a very hairy baby."
OD: "Isn't it though?"
OOD: "It really is."
ME: "She."
OD and OOD (both nodding): "She. She's very hairy, isn't it?"

Then they wander off, leaving Bonobo smiling like a loon because she loves the attention.

And so do I, if I'm honest. I don't mind the extra twenty minutes it takes to get round Asda Waitrose because of being stopped every few metres by her adoring public.

The question I find odd is quite a common one.

"Is she good?"

What does that mean?

"Is she good?"
"Well, no, not really. She's already robbed a couple of post offices and I found her crudely drawn plan to poison the water supply unless she's given free access to boobs for the foreseeable future."

Actually, I wonder if that would work?

What I think people really mean by "Is she good" is "Does she sleep a lot?". Personally, I reckon she is a good baby because, whilst she doesn't sleep that much, she's usually happy, giggling and loves human interaction, and only gets upset for good reason (like not having boobs when she wants them, which a lot of us can identify with).

All babies are good. Annoying sometimes, but good.

So, next week, we're going to go to a specially trained lady who knows how to cut childrens hair, including babies, and miraculously leave them with roughly the same number of ears they came in with. Having previously attempted the task myself, I now have no compunction against paying someone else to do it, because it's like trying to shave an angry cat on a roller coaster.

Oddly, it will be a bit of a wrench having some of her womb-grown barnet removed, but we have to be pragmatic. If we leave it any longer, the lugs will get unmanageable and we'll be introducing her as a tiny rasta.

Have no fear though, because, should we regret having Bonobo's locks trimmed, there is an immediate solution, found through the ever-giving magic of the internet. Can I warn you not to click on the link below if you are of a tasteful disposition:


The only way that could be improved is by the addition of gold hoopy earrings and a velour tracksuit with a playboy bunny motif on the arse.

I might book her in for her first tattoo while I'm there. It would have to be something classy and timeless.

Any suggestions?


  1. You cant go past the L'Devil on the ankle for your first tat.(for a girl)
    This is your first baby huh! Or you would know very well what they mean by asking if she's good, I guess if you think she's not bad..then she's good.
    I have nine grandkids and another on the way, I can tell ya, and those who follow will comment the same.
    She looks just like you! cheers!

  2. Tempo - Hmm, that IS classy and timeless. She's actually my 2nd kid, which is enough to be getting on with, but it bugged me 3 years ago with my little boy as well. Cograts on your 10th grandsprog! Christmas not a cheap affair round your place then?

  3. Oh My Gosh! Look at all that hair!

    She's super cute.

    All of my kids were essentially bald until their first birthday, and not once did I think of using baby bangs. I'm also disturbed by that website.


  4. Strangely enough, cats do NOT like being shaved..they tend to bit, scratch and pee on your slippers-trust me on this fact..

  5. i was baldish until i was three, but i find the baby bangs disturbing as well. it's so 'baby beauty pageant'.....

    let the golden sprog cut her hair :D

    ps. my husband wasnt kidding about the cat.


  6. erin - Oh, too good to stick fake hair on to your baby are you? :-)

    Mr Mischief - Very strange hobby you've got there!

    Mrs alaineus - It IS pageanty isn't it? And your other half's confession both amuses and concerns me. Mostly amusers though.

  7. Very cute baby, I like its big eyes.

    The babybangs thing looks like it's JUST the bangs attached to a headband? For those poor unfortunate bald babies who dream of looking like friar monks.

  8. That is one cute baby. Yours, I mean, not the freakishly scary baby on the home page of that BabyBangs site. (THAT kid not only has the weird hair accessory, but I'm pretty they gave her Baby Collagen Lips. Yipes.)

    But yours? Yes, that's some serious cuteness. And that's some head o' hair.

  9. I must confess that my four never had great locks, the eight stepkids, I can't vouch for. I am disturbed enough by the comments about this Babybangs site not to even want to visit it. As for boobs... yes, I can relate to those sentiments, both yours and your daughters.


  10. I've got 1 yr old twin girls and one of them is about as hairy as yours. The other one just has a little dusting of peach fuzz. I might order the babybangs. I think the little model on the homepage not only has collagen, as Didactic Pirate mentioned, but colored contacts as well. Do you know where I could find some of those?

  11. Steamy - lol; the monk's tonsure is quite the thing in contemporary baby fashion.

    Didactic Pirate - Ta (as though I'm responsible for her cuteness). I think you're right about the collagen. Maybe a nip ad tuck as well, so the mother obviously does care.

    AV - Ooh, you don't know what you're missing!

    Beta Dad - Does one girl get jealous of the other then? I would get those babybags in striaght away! And ask your health visitor for advice no baby contact lenses.

  12. gorgeous baby, sugar! and i don't think she looks hairy at all! xoxoxoxo

  13. I have to say I'm not a child person at all (no really!) but that baby is ADORABLE. You shouldn't cut that hair one bit, it's just perfectly tousled and cute as hell. Even I'd hold that baby and I don't "do" babies. If someone asked if my baby was "good" I'd say "particularly with roast potatoes and a nice Burgundy!"

    Actually, I'd refer them to the nearest asylum because me have a baby? You're more likely to see Sarah Palin making sense.

  14. Savvy - You should see her chest!

    Veggie Ass - It will be a wrench, having it cut, but we won't have too much off. Just a neaten up of the mane! And you never know, one day, after a few too many voddie and cokes, you might be expecting yourself!

  15. Check my blog out. You've won something.

  16. This was hilarious, through and through. We cut my son's hair while I was in the hospital having my third because my first had contracted lice for the first time. He screamed and moved like a maniac (nearly 3 yrs old then) so much he was spotted with bald spots like a leopard!

    Visiting from MLS.

  17. I have no idea what's normal or not for baby hair. But fake baby hair? Wrong!

    Though maybe there's a lucrative second hand baby hair market out there. Have you asked Babybangs if they want Bonobo's tresses, once she's done with them?

    (sent by MLS).

  18. Hello! I found my way here via MLS, and I'm very glad that he pointed me in your direction. Thoroughly enjoyed this post. Laughed out loud at the dialogue and insisted on reading it all out to my other half, who probably shares MLS' view on kids, but I made him listen anyway.
    Great stuff - I'll be popping round again for sure.

  19. More MLS traffic!
    I'm with you on the "good baby" thing- drives me nuts!
    great blog, cute baby.

  20. I was born with no hair, and lost most of mine by the time I was 25 years old.

    Therefore, I feel compelled to hate your baby. I am sorry, that is the way the circle of life works. Fortunately, the Atlantic separates us so I don't have to hunt it down and eat it.

  21. MLS - Very kind. And look at them there comments!

  22. Miss Welcome - Welcome, Miss Welcome! And I'm glad you liked it. I think a leopard motif might catch on you know.

    Baglady - I could turn a profit from my baby? Sounds reasonable. I'll get her working.

    Sharon Longworth - Glad you stopped by. Feel free to read out the other 149 posts to your chap, as I'm sure he'd appreciate it!

    Shruthi - First: Ta! Second: Welcome! and Third: I know!

    Mimi - Thank you. Glad you like it.

    SkylersDad - Lol; the hair is the source of her power, so wait till she's had it cut before you tackle her!

  23. You know, people get SO offended when you refer to a child as "It". Even if it's your own child! I can't tell you how often my boss has yelled at me for saying something as simple as, "Yes, it's fine." Or "No, it didn't go to it's father's this weekend."

    Sigh. Whatever.

    Loved this though. Congrats on your TWTWTB win. :)

    And SHE is adorable.

  24. otherworldlyone - Ta, and I think they'll forgive you if you don't say "It's at university." or "It's getting married".

  25. That's more hair on your child than the floor of a Greek barbershop in Spring. No, not really, but she does seem to be one pair of dark sunglasses and fake cigarette away from a good Keith Richards impersonation.

  26. Eric - A fake cigarette? Should've thought of using a fake one. She's demanding twenty Gauloises a day now.

    That Babybang link seems to have died. Pity. It was educational.


    Old dears, got to love em, eh?

  28. I think your baby is absolutely adorable! But I think bonobo babies are cute too!


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