Monday, January 11, 2010

Snowmob Rule

I'm not sure about this snowman:

I would've been more impressed had the head had actually been carved from the living ice itself, and was merely the start of what would be an artistic tour de force in contemporary frozen water sculpting.

But it wasn't. It was a mannequin head.

Now I'm not one to judge, but the person responsible should be fined and made to attend a compulsory snow character creation course.

Okay, it would appear that I am, in fact, one to judge.

Still, at least the person in question, who has actually been known to wear a scotch bonnet to the pub (despite being neither Scottish nor a lady, judging by the beard and profanities that regularly accompany him) has made a bit of an effort, so maybe that's all that counts.

Down our road, there are only two snowpersons*, including that one and my own creation (called Honky) and seeing as the street is mostly full of very old, very retired and very frail people, you'd think they might've found time in the day to rectify this.

If the pensioners had got off their mobility scooters and burrowed through the drifts on their own front lawns, we could have had an army of snow-sentinels looking down either side of the avenue in a variety of poses, maybe a snowrabble or a snowmob, unnerving the postmanperson and reducing crime.

Instead, they had to waste their time with some pointless huddling, switching the fire on every few days and asking if we've got any spare blankets.

There's just not as much dedication as there used to be.

And broken hips heal, don't they?

But it's not just down our way that there is a dearth of such artifice. All across the nation, snowmenwomen are showing signs of tardiness. Gone are the coal eyes and carrot nose. Away are the second hand scarf and old mittens. No more the pipe and cane that would once lend the scenario a modicum of cheery warmth, as frost-bitten urchins gambolled about on frozen lakes, their cheery smiles chattering in accompaniment to some nearby carol singers holding a glowing lamp on a stick and vainly trying to hijack christmas for christians.

No, these days, the average snowhomonid generally consists of a couple of cylinders of yellowing snow stacked on top of each other in the local park, with the hope that facial features will form naturally from the dog faeces collected as the snow rolled over it. Effort is apparent in some respects because there will almost certainly be both boobs and oversize male genitalia, and decoration will be a couple of Rizlas expertly coned and lovingly inserted into the dog poo mouth.

The arms will be Special Brew cans jammed onto the end of windscreen wipers scrumped from a nearby car park.

It's just not the same.

Because the art of snowhomunculus creation is becoming a lost science, it doesn't take much to impress people when one is actually built.

The National Physics Laboratory, for instance, created this one, which measures just one nanometre wide, or 0.001 mm, and then they have the nerve to brag about it. It's tiny!

Mine's bigger than that, and it only comes up to my shoulders.

Where's my grant from the EU Science Budget?

*The suffragettes didn't trip up horses so we could continue calling it a snowman you know, even if it has got a top hat, courgette penis and testicles made of chilly kiwi fruit.


  1. That's the laziest attempt at a snowman I've ever seen. You're right. Piss poor.

    Now pic of your snow buddie?

  2. These kids today don't even try! Now back when I was young, we made complete armies of snowmen, complete with weapons. That's right, we were tough back then... Hey! You kids get off my lawn!!

    Now where was I...

  3. At least they used a white dummy head. If it were flesh colored, the authorities might have been shocked enough to stop by and investigate.

  4. Christine - Mine has now got a bit of a lean on, due to an allergy to rising temperature. I built a wimp.

    SkylersDad - Damn right. I also seem to remember they moved, took us on magical journeys and sang "Walking In The Air", but my memories not what it was but that sounds about right.

    Eric - Good point. Hiding bodies in snowmen probably seems like a good idea at first. Until the spring thaw that is.

  5. I agree! Poor attempt at a snowman! 1/10 could do a lot better....

    As for the National Physics Laboratory, they should be prosecuted under the trades description act! It is actually a tin man with a platinum nose! What would the Wizard of Oz make of that?

    "Cool" observations Jules.

  6. Every winter, somebody emails around a bunch of the Calvin & Hobbes snowman comic strips. Have you seen those? I love that strip and have all the books. The snowmen are the best!

  7. That is no snowman. It's something you'd expect to see in the back garden of a head-hunting eskimo family.

  8. The NPL "snowman" isn't even made of snow so it does not qualify.

    Go to Google, click on images with that mouse-like thingy, and enter "Calvin's snowmen" and learn what true snow artistry is. That comic strip almost made me wistful for snow. But, fortunately, my brain kicked in and said "Are you mad?!?!?!?! That stuff is cold!" (yes, with all those ?'s and !'s)

    And I was saved. Hallelujah!

  9. Urbane Warrior - S'true. They couldn't even carve it out of a snowflake.

    Wow - Calvin & Hobbes has always been very popular in the UK. Got a few of the books myself, and the snowmen ones are great.

    GB - Eskimos have kept their cannibalistic secrets for too long. I can see why they are though, what with igloos being all crunchy on the outside, chewy on the inside.

    Douglas - been a Calvin & Hobbes convert for many a year. My Nan says snow is a 4-letter word and won't hear it uttered in her house.

  10. We dont have snow in Oz and the only natural ice I've ever seen was when I tried to get frisky with the missus on a beach once...
    I'm almost feeling sorry for you with all this crook weather lately...almost! :)

  11. Snowhominid. Oh, my.


    The elderly are a lazy group, aren' they? All the time they have during the day and they can't roll up a couple of snowmen? My tax dollars subsidize their medicare -- now get out there and amuse me!

    Just down the street from my house someone has erected a seven-foot snowman. I need to get down there and snap a pic...


  12. Tempo - You're not missing much. It's temporarily fun, but the novelty soon where's off. The snow that is, not your missus. Er . . .

    Pearl - It's 7 foot tall, or it's got 7 feet? Either way, I want a pic.

  13. That's piss-poor. Like, doesn't England only get snow once every ten years? Make the most of it, you people! Get out there and block the streets with snowfolk bigger than houses!

  14. TIR - You're right. We get all excited about it when it first arrives, and a fortnight later we're whineing like french farmers.

    Gadjo - I think it is literaly creeping across the garden. Terrifying.

  15. I failed to make any snowmen this year, due to an absence of sufficient snow in London town. I feel bereft. Has it all melted down your way? or can you send me some so I can do my duty?


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