Thursday, October 22, 2009

Mellow hello.

I miss the sunshine.

It's raining here and everything's all mushy. Puddles are forming and I just don't seem to get the pleasure from splashing in them that I used to just thirty-odd years ago. Now I worry that my shoes will get wet.


In an attempt to avert the onset of some Seasonally Affected Depression, a condition with the most unfortunately apt acronym ever, I'm going to think positive and cheer myself up with a post on that most un-wintery colours:


Yellow Thing Part One


Nothing like 'em.

They taste nice. They're a nice colour. They're shaped like a smiley mouth. Even the name sounds nice.



They've been bred for possibly 7000 years from the wild strain so they're all sweet, seedless, easy to unwrap yet still good for you, and to make religious nutballs look even dafter.

Hmm . . . bananas.

Yet, I can't help but be a little disappointed with this one:

It's tiny!

In my fat little opinion, the bigger the better when it comes to bananas. I'm trying not to appear too ungrateful here, because one should be pleased that they are present at all. It's not as though I'm complaining about it not coming naturally smothered in melted chocolate and hazelnut pieces though is it? I just want a bigger one.

Anyway, that is a minor point.

I discovered just the other day that, all my life, I've been eating them wrong.

I peel them from the stem, which usually works pretty well, but occasionally breaks off and you have to bite the damn thing open and are then left with a taste like rotting dandelions in your gob for a few moments, taking away from the overwhelming pleasure that eating a banana should impart. This method usually works, and is relatively satisfactory.

Is that how you eat a banana?

Thought so.

Well, prepare to be amazed, because you have been doing it wrong. Just ask a monkey.

Well, don't literally ask a monkey because they're unlikely to answer and might attack you, or throw their poo at you, so maybe just watch from a safe distance and then take note.

You see, monkeys turn the banana upside down, so the stem is at the bottom, and the little nubby bit is at the top, then they pinch that nub and pull. Then, Hey Presto! the banana is de-gloved with minimum of fuss.

It's much easier that the usual way humans open them and goes to show that, although monkeys have an undeveloped Wernick's Area in their cerebral cortex, thus reducing their conversational capabilities, their Banana-handling centre is positively bulging with neurones.

If you haven't got a monkey to hand, or your monkey is bananaless, then have a look at this link: Nana unpeeling: simian style.

Go on, give it a go. You know you want to.

Yellow Thing Part B

Yesterday we went to our local wildfowl and wetlands trust again, where they also have various amphibians for you to gawp at if you're afraid of the birds. This must be a relief to all the ornithophobes that frequent the bird sanctuary.

One of them (amphibians, not ornithophobes) is called Mr Custard, who is an American Bullfrog with a certain banana-esque hue about him:

What a mellow yellow fellow. If only he played the cello.

They say it's a natural mutation, but what if he's actually got chronic liver disease? Bit of an insensitive name then, reminding him of his condition. He's got enough on his plate without being called Mr Custard.

Just the drink problem for a start.

And no, before you start accusing me of being judgemental, I'm not simply assuming that anyone yellow has a liver problem, and anyone with a liver problem is automatically an alcoholic. There are other signs that give it away.

Just look at his eyes:

If that doesn't suggest a lifetime of hard liquor and loose spawning, I don't know what does.

Bet he plays poker as well.

Actually, that last bit may have been a tiny bit judgemental.

Ignore it.


  1. Hard liquor and loose spawning. If I had a nickel for every time I heard THAT one...

    Afraid we've got the rain and gray skies as well. I'm against it, of course -- and I think my record will bear me out -- but in this economy, what's to be done?!

    Weather. Everyone TALKS about it but no one does anything ABOUT it...


  2. what have y'all been smokin, sugar? and may i have some? ;~D xoxoxo

    (and yes, i looked at it.)

  3. On that banana thing... we all want larger bananas, don't we?... I never have a problem peeling a banana since I learned early on to use my thumbnail to slice crosswise just below the stem before peeling.

  4. Pearl - It just takes a few to set the ball rolling, then it's blue skies and free spawning for everybody!

    Savvy - Dried frog skin! Getcher own!

    Douglas - You and your opposable thumbs.

  5. I only like bananas when they're greenish. Jeremiah and my children think I'm insane.

  6. I like bananas,but I don't think they like me because every time I eat one my tongue itches. I think I'd be better off eating that frog!

  7. TRULY, an atheist's nightmare. That sound, undeniable proof that God exists sends a shiver of terror down my spine. Y-Y-Y-Y-You mean he's R-R-R-Real??? *mobs of people swarm the dark city streets, screaming and running for safety* So much regret...So many mistakes...but it's too late now...*sticks shotgun in mouth*

  8. I wonder what Freud would make of your current banana fetish, not to mention the frog?

    All the custard and smiley mouth thoughts could be hiding some seriously darker stuff.

    Loose spawning be damned man!

  9. The Jules,

    Thanks for the informative lesson on Banana Peeling for Chimps, Chumps and Chaps.

    The weather doesn't get too bad in this part of Virginia (I could never live in Minnesota Pearl).

    That frog may not play poker but with those bug eyes, there has to be a propensity to imbibe.


  10. Erin - Plantains I can understand. If they're cripy.

    thinkinfyou - If you cover the banana in antihistamine cream before you eat it, you should be fine. I think . . .

    Steamy - He didn't mention the pineapple, or the oyster, I note.

    Jimmy - I want . . . to pleasure a frog . . . bear with me . . . with a banana?

    Sounds about right.

  11. U - You're so right. And it's well known that a frog can drink like a fish.

  12. "It's not as though I'm complaining about it not coming naturally smothered in melted chocolate and hazelnut pieces"

    But now I shall. *crosses arms* Lousy God.

  13. I just tried to peel a frog and started at the little bottom nubby end and it pooped in my hand. I think maybe I read this wrong.

  14. Damn, Kurt beat me to frog peeling. It was inevitable that one of us would go down that route.

    Sometimes I have the urge to throw my poo at monkeys.


    Did I say that aloud?

  15. Soda and Candy - You must pray harder! Harder and faster and deeper!

    Kurt - Once again, watch how the monkeys do it.

    Eric - I really don't want to be responsible for a frog-peeling epidemic. And have you been banned from the zoo yet?

  16. Wait, wait, wait... You can peel bananas? All this time I have just been eating the whole thing and wondering why everybody liked them so much.

  17. I was getting all cheered up by the cheery banana stuff, then the fat yellow toad appeared, and it was distressing. If I want to see bloated, slimy yellowish skin I just get in the shower and look in the mirror.

    The toads down our way are green with golden eyes. Much as I would like to look in the shower, obviously.

  18. Two words.

    Banana. Bunker.

    Seriously, check it out...

  19. SkylersDad - I hope you use the appropriate fruit cutlery for the eating thereof.

    livesbythewoods - Ooh, I'm sure it's not as bad as all that! And we don't call them warts. They're beauty spots.

    Hunter - Banana holders are quite popular round these parts, and they look a bit like that banana bunker only very slightly less like something that gets removed from vicars in the ER.

  20. What? You mean you don't eat the skin as well? Those monkeys you saw must have been house-trained pets.

  21. he looks rathe aristocratic.
    perhaps a cigar and a brandy to complete the look.

    andi did go to the first video
    riveting stuff.

  22. I keep trying to think of other lovely yellow things.

    Flowers, they wilt; beer, more golden, I guess; urine... hmmm.. I think my SAD has kicked in.

  23. GB - It's called standards, Mr Bananas. Just because one lives in the jungle, one shouldn't forget one's manners. Now, kindly pass the paw-paw spoon.

    justsomethoughts - We really shouldn't encourage the brandy, what with that jaundice and all.

    Ana - Lemon curd! Also, I need a wee.

  24. Going the next step, does any one break off little cylinders of the banana and eat one piece at a time? And more importantly, do the monkeys?

  25. Poor Mr. Custard. I want to give him some soothing eye drops and then chuck him under the chin - "Buck up, little Mr. Custard."

    The banana's on its own.

  26. Eric - Nobody does that. Nobody.

    Vic - You're like an amphibious Mother Theresa, only without the baggage and tea towel.

  27. You want to know how to peel a banana easily? just hand one to your nearest Kangaroo, even though bananas are quite rare in the bush here in Oz (Ok, non existent)and although you might think the humble Roo might have limited opportunity to practice his/her banana peeling skills, they invariably have no trouble at all and peel them perfectly every time leaving you laughing or stunned. (leaves your monkey for dead)

  28. Dr Z - You think the smiley banana shape is a bit forced?

    Pash - But what are they like at flinging poo?

  29. Jules, you may be interested to hear that bananas play a huge part in the Romanian conciousness as a Symbol of The Free West: when discusing the privations of Communism I've heard countless times "You know, I didn't eat a banana until I was 13 years old!". Oh, and Romanians eat them like monkeys do, from the nubby end, which proves something (though I'm not sure what).

  30. Bananas have a special place in my heart as you can imagine. But they have one day with me and then they're doomed. Either they're right or they're binned. I'm a harsh banana mistress.

  31. They don't!...with a brain that small you cant be good at everything.....ask any politician.

  32. Gadjo - Is Romania populated by English pensioners, because they also discuss the lack of bananas in their war-torn youth, usually just before moving on to the abhorrence of modern music, chinese doctors and the new twenty pence piece.

    Mdem DeF - Harsh Banana Mistress? Oh yeah . . .

    Pash - lol. They CAN throw their shit though.

  33. Christine - You're very welcome! :-)


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