Saturday, July 18, 2009

Brithday Suit

My mortality has come into sudden, stark focus. I am on the cusp of either despair or joy. A peak, or maybe trough, of dawning realisation that life is either a journey of unexpected occurrences to be experienced with optimistic joie de vivre, or a long slow slide into the open gaping maw of the cold, cold grave.

It's my birthday.

As a newly qualified 38 year old, (which is 13,528 in Mayfly years), I've now been on the planet for nearly 4 decades, so it behoves me to consider what I've achieved in that time.

Well, I've finally used the word "behove" in a sentence, so I can be proud of that.

What else? I must think of something from my past that represents one of these peaks, a frothy wave-top on the ocean of experience, through which I danced like the rainbow-speckled dolphin of life.

I had a wee next to Eddie "The Eagle" Edwards at Alton Towers once.

True story.

We nodded but didn't speak or make more than the briefest of eye contact because that would defy the unwritten law of toilet manners, or bog etiquette. This may come as a bit of a surprise to some ladies, but it's just not done for chaps to talk whilst attending to their micturitionary needs. It's like a more draconian form of lift protocol, where you must stare straight ahead and not engage in any form of interaction with other humans at all and just goes to show how unlikely a scenario is depicted by Aerosmith's "Love in an Elevator".

It's even more difficult in male toilets though, because they generally consist of more than just standing motionless in a simple cube. In a line of urinals, one must leave at least one empty urinal between yourself and the adjacent gentleman, and preferably take position at the far end of the row so as to be as far away as possible from any other urinators, lest you be mistaken for a couple. If there are only three urinals, and the middle one is empty, you wait till one of the end ones has been vacated before taking that place and pointing Percy at the porcelain.

There were only two urinals in the Alton Towers pissoir, which is why Mr The Eagle and I were standing next to each other, and not because we were about to engage in any sort of homo-erotic love fest, which is presumably what happens if you have a wee next to someone when you don't have to.

Okay, let me just check my lifetime achievement list; Behove used? - check. Eddie the Eagle urination and gay sex denial story? - check.

Right. I think I'm done.

So, it's pretty clear that I'm a high achieving, goal orientated type. I like to work hard and play harder. I'm a hedonistic go-getter who don't play by the rules and don't give a good gosh darn for the sensibilities of no-one, no way, no how, no siree. I gots me a job to do and I'm's a gonna do it, and if you don't likes my methods you can just go aheads an fires me, cos I ain't taking no hassles off of no pencil-neck pen-pusher downs at city hall.

Actually, please don't fire me. I have a child and a mortgage and a motorbike that needs servicing. I'll be good. I won't pluralise inappropriately again, honest. And that pencil-neck really goes with that tie. Brings out the beige in your eyes.

I don't actually mind working, although if I can avoid making it hard I will do because I'm a human male. I don't like it when I end up sweating because of some hefty bit of legwork. I don't mind bleeding on the job, because that takes little effort, but sweating usually indicates exertion of some sort, which shouldn't happen at work outside the circus, porn and Guantanamo Bay.

So, on this, the anniversary of my body's birth, a spot of quiet reflection via snatched minutes tapping away at this blog has taught me that I'm an achiever who doesn't mind work too much, lives in a house, has a kid, urinates regularly and shares a birthday with Brian May out of Queen.


To celebrate, I am going to go to a great chinese restaurant tonight in our local itty bitty city. At least that's the plan, but the local papers are full of the news that Customs Officials "swooped" last night and detained six illegal immigrants who were working there.

Two things trouble me about this. The first is the idea of any government agency "swooping", because that implies a sort of raptorial grace and possibly the ability to fly. This would indicate a level of competence and efficacy I don't think any authoritarian organisation has outside of the Brownies, and if they were that efficient it would mean they were being funded too much. I want low taxes and a government that makes it's sub-divisions get by on their bare minimums. They do it for the army.

The second is that I hope one of those detained wasn't the guy responsible for the hot and sour sauce or the cheesy squid, because those are delicious enough to warrant a fake passport any day of the week.

Wish me luck. I'm hungry.


Ooh - picture!

I seem to have set a precedent by posting various virtual photographic plates taken with the utter expertise of the random blogger, and although I shouldn't feel beholden to put one in just for the sake of it, a post sort of kind of seems a bit naked without one.

A picture expresses. A picture confirms. A picture represents.

I shall scroll through the esoterically ordered directory I have entitled "Pictures", which has subdivisions called things like "Slalom" and "Fancy", but are now jumbled up because I can't remember why I called them that in the first place, and see what I can find.

Er . . . how about a slightly blurred picture of my hand, which I took to check contrast settings on my camera, and is not at all in any way intended to resemble any sort of body part other than the hand it actually is, because doing that would represent a dodgy state of mind, and if you see anything else in it then that's entirely your anus problem.

Make of it what you will.



  1. I totally thought you shot a picture of your anus! Which of course made me click quickly to your blog...why I'm not sure,but I think I need to seek out psychiatric help because of it!

    Oh,and Happy Birthday!!! I hope it's a great one!!!

  2. uh, ok, happy birthday...a day late, but sincere in good wishes, sugar! xoxoxo

    OH.MY.GAWD. i kid you not!

    vw: shmat

    ok, it made me laugh

  3. Actually, I just thought that for a moment it was bad kiddy porn. Or another of those boring mom-blogs that goes on about having kids ALL THE TIME.

    Not sure why I clicked through. I wouldn't like either of those things. I like that you say "woo hoo" though. That's always good.

  4. Eddie the Eagle huh? If you meet him tonight, then you'll both have been on the piste.

    Happy Belated Birthday pal.

  5. You missed a great opportunity to ask Eddie the Eagle why he was he was so shit. That is one cavernous anus for a 38-year-old.

  6. Thanks for the tip on the Mayfly age algorithm. That makes me 19,936 years old in Mayfly years. And that, in turn, makes 56 sound much younger by comparison.

    BTW... my niece showed me how to take a swell picture of the crack made by your bent elbow with a cell phone... looks just like an ass crack. Try it sometime. it's quite convincing.

  7. But it's a picture of your hand over your anus, right?

    Happy birthday!

  8. Thanks for the birthday wishes folks. I had a lovely evening with some chums.

    Thinkifyou - I've heard there are pictures of anuses (ani?) on the internet, presumably medical websites.

    Savannah - Ha - you liked it!

    Baglady - As opposed to good kiddy porn? Woo-hoo!

    Jimmy - Ooh dear. I think you should slope off after than one mate. A good night though. A hangover from the booze and palpitations from the monosodium glutamate.

    GB - Why thank you. And I did think of asking him that, but I also thought that I wouldn't like to do it at all, so couldn't help respect him really.

    CatLadyLarew - Your niece huh? Riiiiight . . .

    Eric - Yeah. My anus is shy.

  9. Alex - It's a reference to an obscure and ancient pagan festival, called "Brith" perhaps, which involves comparing anus holes on the solstice.

    It's utterly, utterly not a typo because I was typing too fast so I could go out and get drunk.

  10. Happy Birthday, I am so happy I have found this little corner of the web!

  11. Happy belated brithday, Jules!

    I saw a birthday card the other day that your post has just reminded me of, it had a picture of the Grim Reaper on the front, making a beckoning motion with his finger and the words inside were "That's right, come to papa"


  12. SkylersDad - Cheers bud. Glad you've found it as well!

    Girl I - Thanks for that love. :-)

  13. You are truly a warped individual and you make me laugh every time.


  14. p.s. Would you believe I dont' know who Eddie the Eagle is?

    Oh, you would? Crap.

    Anyway, happy birthday, my friend.


  15. Happy unbirthday - being fashionably late and everything. Your qualifications for being 38 are all in order and I think we can keep you here on indefinite leave to remain. Can you make cheesy squid? I hear there's an opening down your way.

  16. Just thirty eight? Whipper-snapper! (I have no idea what that is but we old codgers are required to use it as an epithet whenever the opportunity arises)

  17. Happy belated birthday! I recently started reading your posts and your blog is really one of the HILARIOUS ones out there (or is it in here???!)

    Anyway, keep the funny coming; hope to read some more of it again soon :)

  18. Pearl - You don't know Eddie The Eagle? next you'll tell me you've never heard of the Chuckle Brothers or Dale Winton.

    Mdme DeF - Civil Servant to the end eh? I can make squiddy cheese. Basically involves leaving Stilton in a bucket for three weeks.

    Douglas - I wouldn't know how to snap a whipper if I was given instructions and a DVD. On whippersnappering.

    Ladytruth - Glad you like it, and welcome! Thank you for outing yourself as a follower!

  19. Not sure how I missed this post. Probably something to do with you posting on a Saturday. Bloody Hell, at your age and all.

    Urinal chat is not wanted but sometimes it happens.

    Colleague (who know I have a baby girl): how's your little one?

    Me: fine thanks, just shaking off the drips.

  20. Mo - Proper LOL there, thanks! I am so going to use that one and claim it as my own!

  21. Happy Belated Birthday. Very provocative photo.

  22. That hand looks to be in the 'fun time' for men pose to me. I hope you got more than a wa*k for your birthday. LOL

  23. The Peach Tart - Thank you. And I do like to provoke you know.

    Passion - Certainly did. Got a book token and a bottle of whisky!

  24. I find it amazing that so many know what an anus looks like....


    btw Happy Birthday, one step closer to the top of the hill.


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