Tuesday, June 9, 2009


Imagine being a ninja.

Awe . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . some.

More awesome than when you find a crumpled tenner in your back pocket you didn't know was there. More awesome than getting a perfect ice circle out of an oil drum in winter and then throwing it off a roof. More awesome than bears with laser beams coming out of their freaking eyes. More awesome than a cigar-chomping, motorbike-riding goddamn T.rex on Viagra with all Uzis and broadswords taped to his improbably weeny but impressively tattooed arms.

Actually, probably not more awesome than the T. rex thing because, let's face it, that would be pretty flipping awesome. In fact, just passing a CBT would be impressive for an extinct carnivore with limited brain capacity and a ravenous hunger for flesh (let alone carrying weapons and taking dodgy drugs bought off of the internets and staying still long enough to be tattooed), so that really would be full of awesome.*

Especially if the tatts were Hello Kitty ones.

Where was I?

Oh yes. Ninjas.

One might think that, in order to enter the hallowed and ethereal halls of ninja-hood, where silent, toe-thonged footfalls of imperturbable warriors wear down the stones of history with tales of almost mystical legend, striking fear into the very souls of enemies and friends alike, one might have to do a spot of training?

Learn the ropes, as it were? Get your ticket? Maybe pass an exam?

You might at least have some sort of annual ninja review with feedback boxes indicating that, yes, you have successfully reflected upon the use of concealment to assassinate your foes, and perhaps you would like more tuition in wanging shuriken about, but in general you feel there are no current issues that need immediate action, thank you for the opportunity of this continual professional development meeting.

Apparently not.

What you need is a mask.

It used to be that you could nip down to the local Akou-rner (aha) shop and purchase all your ninjoid paraphernalia in one big session, but what with the recession hitting both them and Woolies quite hard, this is no longer an option.

So, in order to help budding ninjinos the world over, someone came up with this rather ingenious method of fashioning your own ninja mask out of a T-shirt:

Of course, the very moment I saw this, I knew I had to attempt it. Who wouldn't?

Liar. You're thinking about a suitable T-shirt you've got for this very purpose right now, aren't you?

Go on.

I won't tell.

Only takes a minute. We'll wait. Off you go.

*Whistles - puffs cheeks out - picks fingernail - scratches inappropriately - hums theme from Monkey*

Done? Marvellous.

Good, innit?

I decided to use a white T-shirt, mainly because I couldn't find my black one, although this does indicate the innate suitability of the black T as a ninja outfit. I could then claim to be a "good ninja" as white signifies purity and goodness (like cocaine), or maybe death if you're Chinese. Either works for an enigmatic super-warrior like this:

I'm even making a suitable ninja-esque sign, which I got from Big Trouble in Little China to be sure of it's authenticity. I was going to do the Shocker, but ninjas aren't shocked by anything except the power of love to overcome hate. And shoddy electrics.

The art of appearing as if from nowhere is the mainstay of ninja abilities, surpassing even their formidable slapping skillz. The bright white ninja is, therefore, at an obvious disadvantage in the twilight world of ancient martial arts organisations. It's pointless being a silent assassin, sneaking up on camel-toed slippers to dispatch your adversary if you're more visible than a burning giraffe.

In order to be a proper ninja, I realised that I needed something superior even to the dark shadow-like imperceptibility of the black ninja. Something that demonstrated the inconspicuous limits of cloth and fabric.

I did consider beige, which is impressive for not being noticed as a shirt, but still gets the odd look when worn as a mask down at the Post Office. Actually, I've since discovered they are quite touchy about people wearing masks in the Post Office. Whatever happened to the customer is always right?

After some thought, I had the answer. For the ultimate in concealment, there's nothing short of an invisibility cloak that can beat the following.

I give you . . .

Camo Ninja:

"Where?" I hear you cry, looking frantically around in fear and confusion. Well, my timid little friend, look carefully at the above photo, around the central portion, maybe cross and unfocus your eyes a little as if trying to look at one of them magic eye picture things, and let the camo ninja appear.

There you go.

Camo ninja.

*I can't condone the smoking though. I read somewhere that it's bad for you.


  1. I'm trying to work out exactly how much tequila it was that you mixed with the vodka to get you this drunk.

  2. jimmy took the words right out of my mouth, sugar! and if it wasn't the drink, wtf were y'all smokin, honey? xoxoxo

    (but y'all did make me laugh, so thanks for that!)

  3. Jimmy - It's called a cocktail. Ninjas thrive on it. I may have dreamt that.

    Savannah - You're welcome. I think.

  4. I think all good ninjas probably have personal mission statements. It helps them to focus and reach realistic attainable goals...in killing!!

    I tried this with a Bloom County T-shirt but it folded wrong and Bill the Cat's eyes looked like albino testicles on my chin.

  5. Kurt - Interesting. It would divert your opponent's attention, thus allowing you to get the first strike in. All ninjas should adopt the scrotal-mandibular technique.

  6. BAD ASS. Now I've gotta do it too

  7. The thing I've always wondered about ninjas is whether the ninjas in the video to Peaches by Presidents of the United States of America were actual ninjas or not. Which union would you prefer being in trouble with, the US equivalent of equity or a bunch of shuriken wielding silent killers?

  8. First, more wait... no MOST awesome would be the tattoo artist who put those tattoos on those spindly arms of the T.Rex (aka "Trexxie" to his friends if he had any).

    Second, the white T is for the Snow Ninjas. Assassins who appear out of snow banks and through star shaped lethal icicles at your nether parts.

  9. That was supposed to be "throw"... Ah never mind.

  10. Your white Ninja look (complete with authentic hand gesture patent pending) is an inspiring look. Well done, but can you not hear the sound of the grasshopper at your feet?

  11. I wonder if on long lonely nights while waiting to, I don't know, pounce or slap their victims, ninjas ever play that "Am I smiling or frowning right now?" game to keep themselves entertained.

  12. Eddie - It's the right thing to do!

    Mr London St - Do ninjas like peaches? The fruit I mean?

    Douglas - Snow-ninjas eh? That's registering fairly high on the awesomeometer.

    SkylersDad - I think it's actually a locust. Either way, it's just not cricket.

    Steamy - LOL. "Frowny ninja or smiley ninja? Guess NOW!"

  13. I agree with Douglas about the utility of white for snow ninjas. BTW - I'll bet the Croatian government will love the camo ninja look, just don't wear it in the airport.

  14. I would like to be a ninja AND then find a tenner in my pocket. Then I would go down the local in my ninja garb and buy beer and thwart any baddies.

  15. Eric - All the way on the plane dressed as a camo ninja. What could possibly go wrong?

    Mo - I think ninja-ing is like pool and driving. You're better at it if you've had a few bevvies beforehand.

  16. My last ninja review left me wondering if I'd made the right career choice. I lost a lot of points on my silent glide
    (apparently too much thong "thwap" alerts the opponent)

    I'm going to use a tie-dyed shirt and work the "Hippy Ninja". Then you blend in with the cosmos and your opponent is bedazzled right into the Age of Aquarius.

  17. I read this at work. No-one understood why I collapsed in fits of laughter. Don't ruin my reputation as a sober upright civil servant. But can I be in your ninja gang please?

  18. Vic - Thong thwap is a curse in many aspects of life. Loving the idea of a hippy ninja, who can kill you with a flower or a pamphlet.

    Mdme DeF - That makes this whole sensible post worthwhile! Ninja organisations need civil servants too. Apparently, they wear grey masks.

  19. Hilarious! I'm going to try it now!! I wonder what the neighbors will think!?!

  20. Thinkinfyou - if you do it whilst showing off your new boobs, I think they'll approve. Topless lady ninjas have a high awesome quotient.

  21. When I fight...which is very rarely!
    I don't chose to be in the fight so I don't give my opponent any slack whatsoever. While you were pissing about with your Tshirt, I'd kick you in the balls and punch your throat... its over before you even begun. LOL
    Actually...If I did that Tshirt trick, you'd just be staring at my bare boobs wouldn't you?

  22. I reckon The Topless Ninjas might be just the name for my friend Mikey's new band.

  23. I'm at work and wearing my grown-up glasses and everything. I've just had a policy meeting with HR about employment practice. I nodded knowingly and said uh-huh a lot.

    Yet all I'm really thinking about is getting Ninja'd up in my office if I can get away with it.

  24. Mr London St - I seem to have a habit of coming up with potential band names. Someone else wanted to use "Uncompromising Beard of Disease" once.

    Al - LOL. Close the blinds,take the phone off the hook and ninja-run free my little friend. Ninja-run free.

  25. Your Ninja Tee has just surpassed the white sheet as the classic Halloween back-up costume!


    Cat Lady

  26. Why does "monkey" have an asterisk by it? What were you going to write? I need to know damn it!

  27. Cat lady - The ninja mask is not for frivolous entertainment. It is the serious marque of the warrior. Although ninjas do like funsize milky ways.

    Al - There's an asterisk at the beginning to denote a virtual action.

    *rolls eyes at Alex's lack of internets knowledge*

  28. A bit 'off topic' here, but since you let me comment on your nipple...I thought it only fair... So, what do you think?

  29. Passion - That's the sort of equity I can appreciate!

  30. Hahaha ... rockin that Ninja look, Jules! ;)

    I went to school with a guy who desperately wanted to be a ninja, he was really weedy, he dressed head to toe in black (which actually just made him look like Marcel Marceaux in deep mourning) and lurked in the playground, jumping out on unsuspecting ne'er-do-wells.

    I soon lost count of how many times he got his head shoved down the toilet :/ ... I think he's bank manager now


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