Friday, March 12, 2010

Knocked up for six

I wrote this over a fortnight ago.


For the last 8 or 9 months, Mrs The Jules has insisted on being pregnant.

Attention seeking, if you ask me.

Still, it worked, and I have been thus engaged, for the second time in my life, in attending to the multitudinous needs of a heavily pregnant lady.

When I look at other critters on this infested little rock we call Earth, I note that gestation and birth seem to go relatively smoothly. Especially for the males.

Unless you're a seahorse, because their males are just sooooo modern and reconstructed, giving birth to the kids for the girls. They probably frown upon the antics of other species who's menfolk practice the wham, bam, not even a thank you ma'am method of rearing their young. It would explain their long faces.

You can tell they're just a bit judgemental. Always looking down their noses at other sea creatures.

"Look at us, with our swollen man-wombs, bursting with multitudinous offspring. See that, turtle? Shark? Octopus? Get a load of my belly, all you other fish. Not you Siamese Fighting Fish. You're all right you are, apart from all that fighting and what-not."

Chuff knows what they'd think of cuckoos.

Anyway, the critters of this world keep the process relatively simple. They get knocked up, they get bigger, they go into labour, they give birth.


Well, there's back-to-back presentation, dodgy placentas, cord prolapses, huge heads, shoulder dystocia and generally being bipedal which is just silly because it means the . . . er . . . exit, points straight down.

Even gravity is agin us.

In true human, troublesome style, our little pre-bundle of joy is breech presentation and is steadfastly refusing to turn over into the normal upside down position with a stubbornness more typical of a donkey in a flower shop.


I was talking to a midwife who said that these days, only 55% of pregnancies are complication free. Nearly half have some sort of problem!

That doesn't sound good.

But it's not just us that have obstetric difficulties, but it's also the species we've become responsible for. Domesticated animals have become infected with similar problems. How often do wild critters need a hairless ape to wrap a rope around their unborn child's hooves and drag it out onto the floor of the savannah?

Rarely, that's how often.

What have we humans got against problem free pregnancy that we inflict our own limitations on other creatures? Were we jealous of their easy entrance into the world and so thought we'd bugger it up for them as well? Let's artificially select for obesity, hyper milk production, short legs, dodgy respiratory tracts and abnormal sizes, and watch them suffer as well. Misery loves company yay!

So, because of our child's recalcitrance in not playing by the rules, we are booked in for an elective cesarean section next week. By we, I mean Mrs The Jules. I'm showing solidarity in saying we. I say "We're pregnant" and we both went to antenatal classes.

I even developed cravings, albeit it for beer and blue cheese.

We have a date. We have a method. We have a consultant.

It all makes me a little on edge.

We have a week of chewing our fingernails down to the humerus in nervous anticipation. At the end of the cliche, the only thing that is of concern is the safe arrival of number two child and the safety of Mrs The Jules, and it doesn't really matter if the have to use the side entrance.

So here we go. Deep breaths.

And the wife . . .


Since then, three weeks early and by emergency cesarean after my wife's waters broke in the car, I am now the proud owner of a healthy baby girl.

Strangely, depsite my rationalistic and strictly anti-woo psyche, I refrained from posting it when I scribbled it in case something went wrong, maybe jinxed it. Hence it's placement now. Shows how base and animalistic we are when it comes to our kids.

Right, it's bedtime. I'm off for three solid hours of kip now.

I am very tired.


  1. CONGRATULATIONS, SUGAR! to all y'all and big hugs for mrs the jules! how exciting for all y'all! xoxoxox

    *i'm so with y'all re jinxing, i have a ritual now regarding the return of the MITM which will be soon!*

    (and now throwing salt over my shoulder while i rack my head to the beat of still the one because i mentioned it)

  2. rock, not rack *sigh*

    dammit, now i have to do it all over again! xoxoxo

  3. Hey, well done both of you! But, on the other side, seahorses etc don't get to watch The Tellytubbies.

  4. Congrats to all. Absolutely wonderful news. Can we expect the sprog to blog anytime soon? And pictures - we must have pictures. We women of the blogosphere adore pics of cute babies almost as much as we adore pictures of seahorses.

  5. Well done pal, have a drink on me.

    I hope that all is well with both baby and her mammy too.

  6. That's fantastic! Enjoy your bundle of joy and make sure to pay attention to the misses.

  7. Savvy - lol. I've never needed superstition, touch wood.

    Gadjo - They even have that then . . .

    Mdme DeF - oh, I hadn't thought of that. She's a very hairy baby. Think young bonobo and you're practically there.

    Jimmy - They're both doing really well, thank you for asking. The wife was rather concerned about the car being due for an MOT and service at 9 o'clock the next morning!

    Mama Wheaton - Will do, thank you very much!

  8. Congratulations - am loving your blog.

  9. Congratulations, now the hard work really starts. I hope you enjoy every second with her.

  10. Congratulations to you and Mrs Jules!!

    You do realise that baby Jules will probably follow through just as she had started keeping you on your toes for the rest of your days and doing things just as she damn well likes? ;)

    Oh and you'll love it too. x

  11. Kate - Why thank you very much. I've been a bit slack with my posting recently (can't think why!) but hopefully I'll be able to build it back up.

    Tempo - Already am. Rather enjoying her actually!

    Judearoo - I am already wrapped around the tiniest of little fingers, it would seem!

  12. Very excellent. Well done to you. And not forgetting Mrs Jules...she seems to have played her part. Did you make her clean the car?

    Cngratulations to all three of you

  13. Wow. You're full of surprises, The J! How exciting! Congratulations to you and Mrs.The J.

    (Attention seeking, definitely. That water breaking in the car move just proves it.)

  14. Well congratulations, daddy The Jules! And to Mrs. The Jules too, naturally, who pushed a whole human through her tiny private place and for that, has my undying admiration. Welcome to baby The Jules too.

    I hope you gave her some wild, celebrity type name like "Wildmoon Harricot Juneberry The Jules" otherwise we will be very disappointed. "We" being "me".

  15. My bloggy reader thingy has let me down and shows you posted this 3 days ago. I swear it has a bad case of ADD...

    Belated congratulations on your new child, and all my best to you and the Mrs The Jules!

  16. Nota Bene - She's steadfastly refusing to clean the car, and seems to be in cahoots with the hospital staff who tell her to use the old "I've just had abdominal surgery and a baby" line to get out of that sort of thing. Tcha.

    Steamy - Mrs The Jules disagrees, and says attention seeking is when you make a mask out of papier mache that looks like bum cheeks and wear it on the drive to work so you can moon people more easily. Honestly, one rule for her . . .

    Veggie Ass - That's just greatly ridiculous. I've called her Caractaca.

    SkylersDad - Blogger is only a few years old, so bound to have the odd tantrum. And ta very much!

    Eric - I went, I saw, I didn't pass out!

  17. Heyyy! Congratulations!

    You forgot about those little bebeh fish that hang out in their daddy's mouth until they're grown.

    And daddy emus sit on the eggs while the mum goes shoe-shopping.

  18. CONGRATULATIONS!!! I would give anything to go back and have my children be babies again!! Enjoy your new little bundle!!!

  19. I've been gone for a bit and missed this!

    Congratulations to you and the Mrs. Jules!!!

    Will she have a blog nickname?

  20. Soda and Candy - Those fish are on a knife-edge, only just preventing themselves having a tasty neonatal feast! And do emos have children? I thought they were too full of angst.

    thinkinfyou - It does seem to be over in a blink, doesn't it?

    Vic - Ta. And maybe I'll refer to her as Bonobo, as she is has the bestest hairiest head I've ever seen on a newbie.

  21. Congratulations to you both!

    Do you know how many times I've heard a man around here make a smart comment about women making too much of birth? "The women in China just pop them out in the rice fields and keep working. What's your problem?"

    Murderous glare.

  22. otherworldlyone - My friend told his labouring wife, after she'd been struggling for 12 hours, not to worry because "the next one would be much easier." This made half of their friends laugh. Guess which half.

  23. Congrats, yo!

    Pretty soon, she'll be back in mating form.

  24. Congratulations - wonderful to have a baby daughter - seems like yesterday the midwife in the delivery suite said to me "If you faint we'll kick you out of the way!"

    I made a huge mistake of offering my wife my hand to squeeze during the birth but she got hold of my thumb and nearly pulled it off! Never been the same since.

    Mr London Street has recommended you for The Sunday Roast show and I would be honoured if you agreed to be my guest.

    Please reply by email to

    and I would be delighted to send you all the details.

    Best wishes

    at Clouds and Silvery Linings

  25. Sarah - Ta and welcome! Most of the ladies in the maternity ward laughed when given a leaflet on contraception following the birth.

    Eddie - See, childbirth IS painful! That was kind of MLS. I'll drop you a line.

  26. Congrats! I love your style of writing. Love reading your blog.

  27. For a moment there I thought this was your way of confessing once and for all that you are a seahorse.

    When my wife gave birth, with all the complications mind you, she was in hospital for a week recovering and I developed insatiable cravings for Guinness and burgers. For a week that was pretty much all I had. Not to excess, mind, but that was what I lived off. Come to think of it, I could do with a Guinness now.

    Seriously, congratulations and hope it all goes smoothly and you get a chance to have a burger and a pint too.

  28. Girlglasses - Thank you very much. And congrats to you too. Lovely pics.

    Mo - Ta! And I bought the wife some recuperation Guinness last night, and helped her out with them because Helpful is my middle name. Helpful and Dangerous. And Ninja.


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