Sunday, November 30, 2008
Of course, I could put up some pictures of said scenery to demonstrate my appreciation of the trip, but I'm thinking you might as well go on to a tourism website and look at proessionally captured images. So I won't.
Instead, have a look at this one, taken in the Kyle of Lochalsh just prior to a ride over the bridge to Skye. It demonstrates how the town has embraced modern technology and is at one with the new technocentric order of society:
Useful to know. I was tempted to follow it to see what sort of computer deserved it's own road sign, expecting some sort of Deep Thought artificial intelligence with hordes of technicians hurrying hither and thither, delivering important questions from locals about this year's haggis harvest and digging new single malt wells. Unfortunately, the call of the Talisker distillery was too strong so I didn't divert, so don't expect an explanation.
If you want to see it yourself, it's at the crossroads in the centre of town, just after the 'Microwave - 200 yards' sign.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Now, I'm not one to diminish the experiences of others, but putting perspective aside I would like to share with you a tragedy the likes of which Sophocles or Shakespeare would have thought twice about including in their works, lest it tear the very fabric of society in twain with lamented wails of anguish.
My ukulele fell off the back of my motorbike:
Then got run over by a following Volvo.
Frowny, frowny face.
I know what you're thinking - how can he function? What's the point of carrying on? How has he the power of will to get up, brush himself down and overcome such adversity. Well, as the adage goes, life is problems and living is solving problems, so I came up with a cunning plan.I bought another one.
Friday, November 28, 2008
Imagine my pride when we were attending the funeral of his Great Uncle recently, and he interrupted proceedings to point at a great big wall-mounted crucifix and cheerily shout "Tuh! Tuh! Tuh!"
His Great Uncle would've appreciated that, I know.
It's quite a weird concept the christians have there, with the method of execution of their head wizard becoming their ultimate religious icon. If it was done today, would they all be wearing little electric chairs or syringes round their necks?
Imagine if he'd died of a heart attack during an orgy? I'd wear that pendant.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Every now and then though, you come across an image on the interweb which just screams achievement, which inspires in you a sense of awe and is a reminder that, at the end of the day, one should always aim as high as possible. The first image is this, taken from the conservatory on the International Space Station.Human achievement at it's pinnacle, here. I've got this as my desktop wallpaper.
Of course, such grand accomplishments are not resticted to Homo sapiens, and sometimes it is the feats of other species we can use to inspire:
One word. Orsum.
I'm not sure why there isn't a number 10, but I presume it's because answering it would be too revealing. Here we go:
1. Where is your cell phone? There!
2. Where is your significant other? Adjacent
3. Your hair color? Braaaaaaaahn.
4. Your mother? Crone.
5. Your father? Bearded.
6. Your favorite thing? Multitool.
7. Your dream last night? Immemorial.
8. Your dream/goal? Immortality.
9. The room you’re in? Lounge.
11. Your fear? Nothing.
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Younger.
13. Where were you last night? Work.
14. What you’re not? Green.
15. One of your wish-list items? Finglonger.
16. Where you grew up? Willslock.
17. The last thing you did? Nappy.
18. What are you wearing? Out.
19. Your TV? Boring.
20. Your pet? Bert!
21. Your computer? Laptop.
22. Your mood? Positive.
23. Missing someone? Repetitively.
24. Your car? Practical.
25. Something you’re not wearing? Halo.
26. Favorite store? eBay.
27. Your summer? english.
28. Love someone? Absolutely.
29. Your favorite color? Green.
30. When is the last time you laughed? Recently.
31. Last time you cried? Weeks.
Do you lot fancy a go:
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
So earlier this year I took her advice, ready to delve into the world of horticulture, already imagining hosting a universally lauded gardening programme on BBC2 in a couple of years, not that I get ahead of myslef or anything.
Behold, I give you, the Tropicarium!
Note the bricks and sandbags. You can't have your crop being blown away by a sudden gust, so that's my first bit of gardening advice.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Imagine how awesome that would be if I'd been doing nowt else for a decade! Makes you wonder, doesn't it?
So, what would you do, if you had the time and support? Ten years from now, you too could be an expert courgette carver, although I think the planet is too small for more than one.
Get your own niche.
Monday, November 24, 2008
So, to combat the brainworm, I found myself proposing a challenge;
"To voyage around the world in eighty days!"
Actually, no, it wasn't that. That would be silly. It was to take a photo of something amusing in the next minute.
And I found this:
For some reason, the song really suited the close up of the knights grooving on down. I classed this as a success because it amused me, even if no-one else was privy to the humour, although it didn't get rid of the brainworm.
I had to start singing "I should be so lucky, lucky lucky lucky . . ." for that. Thanks Kylie.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
To help, allow me to demonstrate by providing, in toddler building blocks; a flawless rendition of a popular film and television set piece; the stargate off of Stargate, which was some sort of gate to the stars:
Please note, this is not to be confused with the stair gate, which is used to stop said toddler from practicing his unintentional parkour.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Name: The Jules. Not just any Jules, but THE Jules.
Birth date: One Summer morning in the early seventies, heralded by portentous aurorae and visiting dignitaries.
Current Location: An island in the north Atlantic.
Eye Colour: Grey.
Hair Colour: Greying.
Height: 5’9” – thus securing my position as the World’s Smallest Giant.
Righty or Lefty: Dextra
Zodiac Sign: The Jumping Flea.
Your heritage: From a long line of bastards.
The shoes you wore today: Steel toe-capped boots.
Your weakness: Invulnerability
Your fears: Being stuck in a locked room with two hungry polar bears.
Your perfect pizza: A real man’s pizza, with all cleavers and mahogany on it.
Goal you’d like to achieve: Immortality. Might have to wait a while to see if I’ve made it.
Your most overused phrase on AIM: “FIRE”
Your first waking thoughts: “Better luck next time, Mr Kruger.”
Your best physical feature: My ha-ha.
Your most missed memory: Where I put my keys.
Pepsi or Coke: Either
McDonald’s or Burger King: Neither
Single or group dates: Orgies
Adidas or Nike: Prefer Non-labels
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Beer
Chocolate or vanilla: Either
Cappuccino or coffee: Both
Cuss: Only for fun.
Sing: As above.
Take a shower everyday: Tend to have a shower, rather than take one. But no.
Do you think you’ve been in love: Oh yes.
Want to go to college: Been
Liked high school: Yes
Want to get married: Already there.
Believe in yourself: I’m pretty sure I’m here. Or am I . . ?
Get motion sickness: Never.
Think you’re attractive: Sometimes.
Think you’re a health freak: Nope.
Get along with your parent(s): Yeah - they’ve got half my genes each.
Like thunderstorms: What’s not to like. They’re thunderstorms.
Play an instrument: Ukuleletastic.
LAYER SIX: In the past month…–
Drank alcohol: Yup. In fact, in the last 6 seconds.
Done a drug: Apart from booze and antibiotics, no.
Made Out: Yup.
Gone on a date: Married – but yes!
Gone to the mall?: Yeah, and I work shifts so it’s not too bad in the week. Chuffing awful at the weekend though.
Eaten an entire box of Oreos?: Nah.
Eaten sushi: Yes.
Been on stage: A small one.
Been dumped: On? Yes. It’s not a good story.
Gone skating: No. And now I want to . . .
Made homemade cookies: You can buy them 6 for a quid at Sainsbury’s.
Gone skinny dipping: Only in the bath.
Dyed your hair: Yeah – grey highlights.
Stolen Anything: Someone’s thunder.
LAYER SEVEN: Ever…
Played a game that required removal of clothing: Yep. S’fun.
Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: I can’t remember. So yes.
Been caught “doing something”: It’s half the fun . . .
Been called a tease: Nah – I deliver.
Gotten beaten up: Yup. Still missing the tooth.
Shoplifted: No. can’t stand thieving.
Changed who you were to fit in: Possibly, although almost subconsciously as I like to think I don’t care what others think of me. But I’m sure I do a bit.
Age you hope to be married: Minus 6 years.
Numbers and Names of Children: 1 – The Little Jules
Describe your Dream Wedding: Kofi Annan squared up against a purple dragon called Phil, and the profiteroles all had eyes!
How do you want to die: Never.
Where you want to go to college: Done it. A few times. No more though.
What do you want to be when you grow up: More sure of myself.
What country would you most like to visit: New Zealand at the moment.
Number of drugs taken illegally: Four – I get a bigger high rockpooling.
Number of people I could trust with my life: 6 – not including a load of mates who are paramedics.
Number of CDs that I own: about 100.
Number of piercings: None - I like to be unusual.
Number of tattoos: None – I like to be unusual.
Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper?: Quite a few, worryingly.
Number of scars on my body: Half a dozen or so.
Number of things in my past that I regret: Oh sweet baby Santa, the barnet. THE BARNET!
Friday, November 21, 2008
Thursday, November 20, 2008
A couple of days ago we even had some missionaries from America who had decided the UK is a heathen, godless society and, rather than accept my hypothesis that it is all the better for it, a one-way discourse ensued in which they described how much better religious folk were than unbelievers. I wasn't convinced, and pointed this out.
To reiterate their point, they asked me where my morality came from, if not from a higher source. My answer was that it seems to stem from an innate morality derived from evolving as a co-operative species, and is common to most humans, whereas they appear to get theirs from a giant CCTV camera in the sky, where it is only the fear of being caught and the possibility of a reward when they die that prevents them from molesting kittens.
Doesn't sound very moral to me.
They were not open to my opinions, and I was also closed-minded to theirs, but only until they come back and provide some evidence and then I'll cumbaya with the best of them. Until then, I pointed out my car sticker - which says it all really:
From my exerience, religion has far too much of a hold on public life, and influences policies in this country that affect me, which just isn't right. I don't want my taxes used to support churches and pay the wages of mystics with ideas of relevance. Can we request that they keep it private, like other passtimes, and not force their hobbies onto the rest of us?
There. I've said it. Now to wait until the mainstream religious machinery is dismantled around us. I expect it'll take a day or two . . .
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
I mean really:
There's no excuse is there? Not even the jaunty capitals at the beginning of every word can save it. I know it's just a supermarket who's name of The Co-Op will go unmentioned here, but surely there's someone in their (see, not so hard is it?) advertising dept who's got a qualification in Engerlese and might have spotted these before they went out to 3,000 stores across the UK (presumably).
Well they didn't. And their lack of a proper checking procedure has resulted in them being BERATED in a BLOG by someone they've NEVER heard of!
I hope they can sleep tonight.