Thursday, October 13, 2011

Virtual things to do, imaginary places to be.

*Ringing sound*

Me: "Wotcher?"
Internet: "Slacker!"
Me: "Uh oh. Is that the Internet?"
Internet: "Who else would it be?"
Me: "A random insult delivered in a disappointed tone? You could've been my Mum."
Internet: "Good point. But no, it's the Internet here, and you know why I'm ringing?"
Me (Blowing cheeks out): "Maybe."
Internet: "There's a whole universe in here, and you're ignoring it?"
Me: "I've been busy in the real world . . ."
Internet: "Not that daft fantasy land of yours again. Give it up will you?"
Me: "I go on Facebook."
Internet: "Pfft. Facebook. That's not the internet. That's just harvesting."
Me: "Er, Twitt . . ."
Internet: "Don't say Twitter! You're not ALLOWED to say Twitter. Twitter is a privilege, not a right, and you're abusing it by not showing up, by ignoring it."
Me: "I do read it occasionally!"
Internet: "Occasionally? OCCASIONALLY! It's there twenty-four seven. Never tiring, never complaining, never asking for anything in return. For you."
Me: "I . . ."
Internet: "You made Twitter cry!"
Me: "Oh."
Internet: "Yes. Oh indeed. And look at the weeds on the Gravel Farm."
Me: Yeah, I know about them. I was going to tidy up, freshen the place up a bit, but I've got so much on . . ."
Internet: "We've had this conversation before, haven't we? The last time I had to give you a bit of a talking to. Remember this?"
Me: "You've managed to put a link into a phone conversation?"
Internet: "I'm the internet.
Me: "Fair enough."
Internet: "So what are you going to do about it?"
Me: "About what?"
Internet: "About getting back on line?"
Me: Well, I suppose I could cut down on looking after the children. Maybe get them a load of ready meals in, or just leave plates of porridge oats on the floor"
Internet: "Hmm. It's a start."
Me: "Or I could stop spending my spare time on my current favourite website in all of the internets, because it's a massive time waster."
Internet: "Here we go.  I bet I don't need to disable your Private browsing function to guess what sort of website that is eh? Lots of pink? Eh? Lots of epidermis? Eh?"
Me: "Porn? I wish. I don't have time for that. These days I get my kicks from the lingerie page of the La Redoute catalogue."
Internet: "Not porn. So what is it then?"
Me: "This." *Strains to put link in conversation* "It's a flash game called GunBlood and it's got all fake blood and gore in it."
Internet: *Sighs* "You've been wasting time on a flash game?"
Me: "Well it is part of the internet.
Internet: "Let's have a look then . . ."
Me: " . . . "
Internet: "Holy superhighway that's addictive!"
Me: "Isn't it though?"
Internet: *Silence*
Me: "Internet?"
Internet: *Sounds of shots being fired* "Damn!*
Me: "Internet?"
Internet: "Eh? Oh. yes." *Sound of eyes being torn away from game*
Me: "See?"
Internet: "It's no excuse. You need to make up for your lack of internettling."
Me: "I know, I know."
Internet: "Good. Well, I've made my point."
Me: "I do actually have a reason for my recent tardiness?"
Internet: "Oh really? I'd like to hear that."
Me: "A good, solid, water tight reason that means you will forgive me utterly"
Internet: "Can't see it myself, but go on. Humour me."
Me: "I've got a Blackberry."
Internet "A Blackberr . . .Oh. Oh I see."
Me: "You do?"
Internet: "Yes. Yes of course. I'm so . . . you know, sorry."
Me: "That's okay." *Tear-filled voice* "These things happen."
Internet: "Yeah. Yeah they do. But still, I shouldn't have been so . . ."
Me: "Hey forget it. You've got a job to do . . ."
Internet: "I have. And sometimes, it gets in the way. No prisoners, you know how it is."
Me: "Yeah, sure."
Internet: "I'll leave you to it then."
Me: "Okay. Bye."
Internet: "Bye"


Actually, the Internet is right, which is very unusual. I have been neglecting the worldly wide wonders of the webby wide web (WWWOTWWW), apart from playing GunBlood, so I need to buck my ideas up. The middle of September is occurring, and I have yet to post somehting on The Gravel Farm. Which is a shame, because there's plenty of daft stuff out there. Just a quick click through my phone photos shows me stuff to get irate about, be it bad grammar in graffiti:
Some sort of very deep, almost impenetrable philosophy?
Or a zoological anomaly in a cookery magazine:


I could quite easily see a fight between David Attenborough and Rick Stein over something like this.

But really, the thing that I'm most ashamed about, is that I took a photo of a perfectly good tea stain on my kitchen workshop and didn't have the decency to post it. Let me, in some small belated way, make up for it now. Behold:

I'll have to rub this hard to get it off
I know what you're thinking. It totally looks like an uspide down version of the African Sub-saharan country of Benin. That's what I thought as well.



  1. :-)

    There's something wrong with you.

    You've been missed, though, no doubt about that. And I'm very glad you are not died.


  2. You know, that stain was really just the Internet marking its territory. :) In penis shape. Um...I mean, upside down African country. Of course.

    Winter's coming man, what else can you do in the winter except drink yourself into oblivion or THE INTERNET? See?

  3. Pearl - I know, and I think it might be glandular. Hopeful nothing diedful though.

    Veggie Ass - So you're saying the Web is a liver saving device? Clever, clever Tim Berners-Lee.

  4. "Shell"-fish? Hmmmmm

    You have been missed out here, and I am not doing much better over at my madhouse.

  5. Gunblood, eh? There are times when I could hate you... but, uh, erm, I have to open another tab and, uh, uh... never mind.

  6. So tell me, did the internet sound like its creator (Albert Gore)?

  7. SkylersDad - It's nomenclature gone mad, I tells ya!

    Douglas - Did you fire five shots, or was it six? Do ya feel lucky punk?

    Eric - Actually, very similar gruff tones to my mother.

  8. The sound of the Internet tearing its eyes away from GunBlood will haunt me.

  9. hahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahandthat'sallIhavetosayactually.

  10. Nicole - It's a teary, splooshy, wobbly, metallic sort of sound, with a hint of wind, isn't it. Quite sexy.

    tennysoneehemingway - With me or at me? Because I get that a lot . . .

  11. Huh, you've been away?
    Just joking mate, we Aussies are allowed to do that from time to time...that and changing the English language so it's 'user friendly'.
    I'm sure we all understand completely that you'd rather spend time with your wife and offspring than with us...selfish bastard!

  12. Tempo - What can I say. My priorities are all mixed up.

  13. ok, you've only been gone a little while... *sigh*...anyway, glad you're back, glad you're posting and now, come over and see the invite!! ;) xoxox

  14. Savvy - Ooh, very nice! Where do you plug your cake in?

  15. This is totally my kind of blog. I love conversations involving inanimate objects. And great caption under the African country photo.

  16. Wow, TWA - Cheers! Very glad you like it.

  17. Thanks for post!!

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