Sunday, June 13, 2010

Lies, damn lies, and blogs.

The dedicated blogsmith Argentum Vulgaris over at Life is Just Like That, decided that I deserved a meme, although I don't know what I ever did to him.

To add insult to injury, this meme is called Creative Blogger, and indicates that I am full of lies and falsehoods.

Fair enough.

It's got a picture and everything, so it's all legit and official, probably approved by the Dept of Blogging (DoB), one of the few governmental bodies that will not face any spending cuts over the next few years of austerity due to it's inherent importance to the country and world in general:


Unfortunately, I had a warning letter from the DoB saying I was being lax in responding to memes and, should I wish to avoid "penalties", then I'd better get on with it. I dread to think what those penalties might be, what with the awesome and almost infinite autonomy granted to the DoB, so it was a threat I took seriously.

So, apologies to AV for the delay, and here goes.

There are some rules that one must obey when responding to this meme, and I shall copy and paste them here:

She swooned at the very sight of his length, rising before her eyes like a tantalising promise, expanding towards her so she could see nothing else, think of nothing else, even smell nothing else. She moistened immediately, the gush so intense that surely he must have heard it, could see the need advertised in her flushed cheeks. She didn't care. She parted her lips in anticipation as she locked her gaze on to his. No more waiting, she thought. No more good behaviour. No more self-restraint. She wanted it in her, now. A man of considerable experience, he knew it instinctively, and without being told, slid the baguette into a bag and passed it over the counter to her. Wantonly, she took a bite before she'd even left the shop.

Hang on. Wrong window. That was bakery porn.

Here we go:
  • Thank the person who gave this to you.
  • Copy the logo and place it on your blog.
  • Link to the person who nominated you.
  • Tell up to six outrageous lies about yourself, and at least one outrageous truth – or – switch it around and tell six outrageous truths and one outrageous lie.
  • Nominate seven “Creative Writers” who might have fun coming up with outrageous lies.
  • Post links to the seven blogs you nominate.
  • Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know you nominated them.

So, a big, unmitigated Thank You I Suppose goes out to our Brazilian sponsor Mr Argentum Vulgaris, blogger extraordinaire.

Second requirement, done and dusted at the top there.

Third. Okay, six porkies and one truth, or vice versa.

1) I've published a number of bakery porn novels under the nom de plume Sir V. Ette.

2) My middle name is Danger. And my other middle name is Mouse.

3) Sometimes I do not never use no double negatives.

4) I invented the moon. The orbiting satellite, not the method by which one exposes one's nether regions to motorists from the back of a bus, because that would be just silly.

5) I once spent three months killing rats on the Galapagos islands.

6) I have had a number one classical hit on both sides of the Atlantic with a rendition of all four Ring of the Neibelung pieces played entirely on kazoo. It's how Dickie Wagner would've envisaged it had kazoos been more available to composers in his day.

7) I thought Deathpoof by Quentin Tarantino was a good, original example of film-making and completely not a self-absorbed, badly-written piece of cinematic self-pleasuring with dialogue and acting more suited to a sixth form play than the big screen, and that the director completely wasn't resting on his laurels and relying on past glories to get it funded. Definitely.

There you go.

I've carefully crafted the lie(s) so you'll find it hard to tell which is truth and which is the opposite of truth. I feel that the tortuousness of the task will increase the satisfaction you will feel when you unravel the untruths and filter out the fiction, allowing you to bask in the positively Holmesian machinations your brain will have undertaken to solve this mystery.

You can then move on to one of those daytime telly quiz questions where they ask equally fiendish brain teasers with multiple choice solutions. Like "What is your name? Is it A) your name, B) someone elses name, or C) a pizza?"

The Gravel Farm is all about self-improvement see.

Personally, I quite enjoy doing the odd meme, but I feel like I've pressured enough of my valuable blog chums just by making them read mine, so I think I'll renege on the last part of the meme and take the punishment from the Dept of Blogging.

I understand they have powers not seen since the inquisition, so I'm being ever so brave really.


  1. Bloggers who post such fiendishly difficult brainteasers are just trying to make their readers feel stupid. I refuse to play and I hope others will follow my example.

  2. My faith in human nature has been retsored, ah somewhat.

    Briliantly done, as I suspected, once you got around to it. I do like the concept of the DoB, that could actually make a good blog (official), departmental seal and all.

    As you've only made 6, and omitted the 7th, it's difficult to know if you actually left the truth out in error, or just trying to confuse the elderly, in which case you've succeeded, admirably.

    I spilt my coffee, half is now in the bilges of my keyboard, *peers down between keys* It's a bit mucky down there.

    GB, just been over to your place and for your refusal to participate the punishment as decided by the DoB is that you will be linked, not once, but twice. Take it like an ape!

    The verify is: incensh, sounds like I'm drinking more than just coffee.


  3. GB - It isn't for every primate, I'll agree.

    AV - Good point. I miscountified the utter truths, so I've amended it. There is now a number 7!

  4. Memes. More fun when you don't play by the rules. Lie life, really. Or is that just shorter?

  5. some of those were lies? xoxoxoxo

  6. Wouldn't that be the Ministry of Blogging (MoB)? Here in the former colonies, we have departments (oh, do we have departments!) but I thought you former oppressors of the civilized world had nothing but ministries?

    And thank you very much for the hours of pleasure reading the bakery porn.

  7. The DoB fined me last month for OVER-meme-ing. The indignity! Seems you have to hit exactly the correct ration of meme to other posts or they give you a ticket. I told them to shove it up their blog ass. I'm now in the blogging protection program run by the Eff Bee Eye (eff the blogging industry)

  8. No way is number 3 not totally not a complete untruth. I have never not seen you ever not do that!

  9. I have to go for number 7. Just sounds so unlikely. You are a man of taste and discernment.

  10. I laughed aloud. Are you as amusing in person or is this all an elaborate ruse designed to, um -- just why do you insist on being so funny, Jules? Huh?



  11. Well you definitely didn't invent the moon because I did that in '98 and if you give me five minutes and a couple of crayons, I'll have the drafts to prove it.

  12. Ellie - Responsibly, I do play by the rules. Well, rules I make up as I go along, and to be honest they're more like guidelines really.

    Savvy - Maybe just the one.

    Douglas - We have a lot of Departments in the UK, including Transport, Edumacation, Work n' Pensions and my own employer, Health. It all adds up to a super-efficient society that operates like a well-oiled machine you see.

    Veggie Ass - lol; I think you need to find a DoB/FBI balance, or set one agin the other and watch the fireworks! I think the DoB has nuclear capability mind . . .

    Beta Dad - Are you positive?

    Madame DeF - I have to agree. I'm sitting here sipping a pint of strawberry daquiro and eating Babybels as I type you know.

    Pearl - Pants. Heh. Americans. And thank you for your kind words. Compliments are the oxygen to my ego you know. And I'm quite hypoxic.

  13. Girl I - Missed you in the crossover there. And it's bloody typical for me to be caught out claiming I've invented something only for the real inventor turns up. It's like the Tim Berners-Lee incident all over again.

  14. Your bait and switch with the bakery porn might have been the greatest thing I have ever read!

    Well played sir.

  15. Bakery porn. Where has that been all my life?

    Thanks Jules.

  16. SkylersDad - Ha, glad you liked it!

    otherworldlyone - Do you mean you've never been to the Bakery Erotica section at your local library? It's usually near recipes.

  17. I think you did the rat-killing thing for real.

    Also *blushing and fanning self* I enjoyed the bakery porn.

  18. Soda and Candy - You could be on to something with that dedcuction there. Have you got police experience?

    And did the bakery porn make your mouth water?

  19. I always wondered who invented the moon...

    Your bakery porn was quite lovely.

  20. Sweet Cheeks - It's the sort of stuff they don't teach in school and should be made part of the curriculum. Bakery porn that is.

  21. Do you know how hard I worked on breeding those Galapagos rats? DO you? No. You don't.


I'm going to risk taking comment moderation off for a bit, so if you're a web-bot, a robot, a bot-fly or a bottom-dwelling sediment-feeder, then please refrain from commenting.

Otherwise, have a go. S'fun.