Sunday, February 15, 2015

Money laundering

Whisper it quietly. Don't let the white goods hear you. Speak softly or they will take action.

SCENE I:  At home, domestic bliss ensuing, children locked in attic. 

Wife (checking bank balance online): "That overtime paid off. Halfway through the month and we're not in overdraft!"

Washing machine: "Chugga."

Me: "What was that?"

Wife: "Nothing, just the washing machine. It makes that noise sometimes."

Me: "Ah, yeah. So finances looking okay then?"

Washing machine: "Chugga chugga chugga."

Wife: "Well, the mortgage has to come out yet and there's the car repair, but at the moment, could be worse . . ."

Me: "Creee?"

Wife: "That's not normal?"

Me: "Pardon?"

Wife: "Normal! That incessant loud screaming noise, the violent shaking and the way it's trying to break the hose off the back, that's not normal washing machine behaviour!"


Me: "What?"

Wife: "All that water spraying around the kitchen! Also not normal!"

Me (switching machine off at the mains and struggling to reach isolation valve): "You don't say!"

Wife: "No need to shout."

Washing machine (obeying comedy edict of all dramatically failing machinery everywhere): "Sproing."

Wife: Is that a spring?"

Spring sprungs.

Me: "I feel it is, yes."

SCENE II - Showroom featuring large three dimensional rectangles designed to fit in kitchen spaces.

Salesman: "And then it went 'sproing' you say?"

Me: "Sproing, yes."

Salesman: "Was that preceded by a CREEEEEEEE by any chance?"

Me: "It was, yes!"

Salesman: "Oh. I see."

Me: "Is that good then?"

Salesman: "A sproing after a CREEEEEEEE is not usually a good sign, no." Points at my forehead "And did that spring come out of it?"

Me: "Oh this? It did yes. Must pull it out soon."

Salesman: "I know it's probably expected of me, but can I suggest that you buy a new one."

Me: "I believe my wife has already chosen that one over there, with the little smiley face sticker surrounded by pound signs on it."

Salesman: "Selling that one does make us happy sir."


I presume that this sort of universal rule whereby any sort of disposable income that makes itself momentarily available will immediately become earmarked for an unavoidable repair has already been discovered? Saved a bit of money on the car insurance this year? Boom! - the heating packs in. Tax rebate? Whack! - the laptop takes  up smoking. Lottery win - Shabang! The helicopter crashes into the Bugatti. 

There's probably whole theses addressing this. Is it a separate event or part of Sod's Law? Is there a malicious entity at work, maybe karma, or is it Jesus punishing us for allowing Pekineses to marry? I might look it up on the google and see if it's a well documented phenomenon.

If not, I shall write it down and name it the There's Always Bloody Something Law.


  1. I've learned one thing (ok, a few things, but that's another story) during all these years of marriage and that is: never, never, EVER, speak about money out loud in front of the appliances! they will fall apart the minute you have an extra dime! the bastards! but i guess you know that now. ;) xxoxox

  2. The guilty parties don't even have to actually hear you discuss money; they can read your mind. Be careful out there :)

    1. Psychic appliances? I thought they were just mean!

      *covers head in tinfoil*

  3. I used to have disposable income. Damn inconvenient it was, what with the washing-machine and the car and the roof over my head...

    Nope. Better to live hand to mouth, like my forefathers.


  4. They might have had similar problems, like a good forage resulting in their favourite washing rock cracking.

  5. Hi, Really great effort. Everyone must read this article. Thanks for sharing.

  6. Very informative, keep posting such good articles, it really helps to know about things.


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