Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Inflated ego

I'm basically a genius at entertaining children me. I've got no evidence to support this, but I've got no evidence to support the fact that I'm good at Mongolian throat singing either, but I presume I am.

I've never actually, specifically tried Mongolian throat singing, but for some things you just know you'll be extra good at should you ever attempt them, and that's one of them.

Also bricklaying, fencing and beastiality.

And hunting monkeys with blow darts.

So you can imagine my consternation when, after glancing at the instructions for well over a second, I attempted to create a balloon flower for my offspring and the result wasn't quite the epitome of floral perfection that I'd intended.

Must've been a dodgy balloon. Or too much argon in the air.

Yeah. I'm going with that:


  1. Given that you're good at bestiality and hunting monkeys with darts, I dread to think what you do the poor blighters once you've caught them.

  2. As I remember you already proved yourself an expert at that still standing by the way? (I assume it is)
    Those baloons are SO slippery the knots never end up where you want them. (thats my excuse and I'm sticking to it) I gave up trying, filled them with water and we all had a water bomb fight...much more satisfying

  3. MLS - I think the hard part will be extracting the rohypnol from poison arrow frogs.

    Tempo - I honestly hadn't thought of that. To the taps!

  4. Wait a minute, you seem to have made an ebola virus out of balloons there. Good job!

    You were just dropping us hints with the monkeys and beastiality, right?

  5. I've never hunted monkeys with blow-darts. Or elephants. Or hamsters. Or humans. But I know I would excel.

    Are you a genius at entertaining children at pre-dawn? Any other time I'm the world's answer. But pre-dawn? Pre-dawn I struggle.

  6. Clearly the result of inferior balloons and nothing to do with your utter lack of experience!

  7. I postulate that the Hindenburg would not have exploded if it had been tied as expertly as your balloon flower.

  8. Children are entertained by failure.

  9. I like it! It looks sort of like a Dachshund that got its head caught in a blender...

  10. Eric - Yep. Now you can guess what I want for christmas.

    Mo - In the pre-dawn, they are not children, but feral creatures of the night. No-one can entertain them.

    Soda and Candy - Experience just hones bad habits.

    SkylersDad - Perhaps I should think bigger and use more hydrogen.

    Beta Dad - No wonder mine's always laughing then.

    Veggie ass - Tell me how you know what that looks like. On second thoughts, prehaps not . . .

  11. The way the stem has bent at the leaves makes me laugh. No offense.

  12. Clearly the instructions are at fault here.


  13. Well since I am assuming you had to practise to get good at beastiality and monkey hunting, don't give up on balloon art just yet.

  14. Michael - That hurts man. Cuts deep like a rusty kukri.

    Pearl - Apparently, you just put your lips together and blow. I tried to do that suggestively like Lauren Bacall but just rasberried.

    Mama W - Having never actually tried beastiality (yet), I'm just assuming I would be good at it on whatever the quantifying scale of goodness is when it comes to beast love.

  15. Let's face it, kids believe anything, if you tell them it's a flower, or a monkey with a blow-dart in it's bum ... they'll take your word for it. Winner!

    And bestiality? *disappointed shake of the head* Oh, Jules!

  16. Girl I - That's what the monkey said!

  17. I reckon that that could just about pass for a flower if the flower in question was candied angelica. I've got some in the cupboard that looks just like that. I bought it on a whim. I have asolutely no idea what I am supposed to do with it.


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