Receptionist: "Hello, GP's surgery."
Me: "Hello, I was hoping to speak to Dr Nigel about my vasectomy results please."
Receptionist: "Sorry he's with an important patient at the moment, you'll have to call back."
Me: "I need to speak to him urgently. Can you tell him I have a blog?"
Receptionist: "Oh . . . sorry, sir, I didn't realise. One moment please"
Ten seconds later.
Dr: "Hello? Who is this? I have a VIP in here at the moment you know!"
Me: "Hi Dr Nigel, it's The Jules."
Dr: "The Jules? Oh. Oooohh! Right you are." Muffled voice "Sorry Your Highness, I have to take this call, be back in a moment."
Sounds of doors closing, and a doctor's bum sinking into a chair.
Dr: "Sorry about that. What can I do for you?"
Me: "Well, I was wondering if the results of my vasectomy have come through yet? It's been six months and I got told informally that one of them was okay by your secretary, but it'd be nice to have the official word as it were."
Dr (tapping on computer) : "Well, we're still waiting for you to provide a third sample . . ."
Me: "Third? But I was told you only needed two."
Dr: " Yes,but one of yours was still positive for little swimmers, so we need another to see if you're definitely a Jaffa."
Me: "Say what now?"
Dr: "One of your samples was positive. We need another like we told you in the letter we . . . ah, it appears we have neglected to send you the letter. Sorry about that."
Me (thinking about the lax attitude to contraception that may have been demonstrated round our gaff recently): "Hnnn!"
Dr: "But I presume you're still being sensible with the old . . . " sound of doctor's eyebrows waggling " . . . precautions, right?"
Me: "Weeell . . ."
Dr: "Because it would be daft to take any chances without written confirmation from your doctor, wouldn't it?"
Me: "But you mangled me! You cut 'em, sliced 'em and burnt the tubes with hot metal for three feet in both directions! How can there be a positive sample? It'd be like a throwing a grenade into a bucket of tadpoles and expecting frogs to jump out!"
Dr: "Well, they're notoriously tough, are the human nuts, you know. They can continue producing baby gravy after quite extreme trauma."
Me: "But . . . but . . ."
Dr (chuckling like Dr Hibbert off of The Simpsons): "They can even heal up after a time!"
Me: "But . . . but . . ."
Dr: "And maybe it's because you're a superman, genitally speaking?"
Me: "But . . . well, yes, that's a possibility I suppose."
Dr: "So send us another sample, and we'll see what the results say now. Could just be a blip."
Me (Sighing): "Okay. I'll do one as soon as I've found the La Redoute catalogue."
Dr: "Good. Good. Oh and The Jules?"
Dr: "Could we ask you to use a specimen jar this time? Don't just send us a sock."
Me: "I suppose. For fussy clinical reasons is it?"
Dr: That, and the fact they're difficult for the lab technicians to wring out."
Me (thinking about the possibility that Bonobo might not be the youngest in the near future, that overtime can only go so far, that savings must be made): Doctor Nigel?"
Me: "Can I have my socks back?"