Thursday, August 30, 2012


Receptionist: "Hello, GP's surgery."
Me: "Hello, I was hoping to speak to Dr Nigel about my vasectomy results please."
Receptionist: "Sorry he's with an important patient at the moment, you'll have to call back."
Me: "I need to speak to him urgently. Can you tell him I have a blog?"
Receptionist: "Oh . . . sorry, sir, I didn't realise. One moment please"

Ten seconds later.

Dr: "Hello? Who is this? I have a VIP in here at the moment you know!"
Me: "Hi Dr Nigel, it's The Jules."
Dr: "The Jules? Oh. Oooohh! Right you are." Muffled voice "Sorry Your Highness, I have to take this call, be back in a moment."

Sounds of doors closing, and a doctor's bum sinking into a chair.

Dr: "Sorry about that. What can I do for you?"
Me: "Well, I was wondering if the results of my vasectomy have come through yet? It's been six months and I got told informally that one of them was okay by your secretary, but it'd be nice to have the official word as it were."
Dr (tapping on computer) : "Well, we're still waiting for you to provide a third sample . . ."
Me: "Third? But I was told you only needed two."
Dr: " Yes,but one of yours was still positive for little swimmers, so we need another to see if you're definitely a Jaffa."
Me: "Say what now?"
Dr: "One of your samples was positive. We need another like we told you in the letter we . . . ah, it appears we have neglected to send you the letter. Sorry about that."
Me (thinking about the lax attitude to contraception that may have been demonstrated round our gaff recently): "Hnnn!"
Dr: "But I presume you're still being sensible with the old . . . " sound of doctor's eyebrows waggling " . . . precautions, right?"
Me: "Weeell . . ."
Dr: "Because it would be daft to take any chances without written confirmation from your doctor, wouldn't it?"
Me: "But you mangled me! You cut 'em, sliced 'em and burnt the tubes with hot metal for three feet in both directions! How can there be a positive sample? It'd be like a throwing a grenade into a bucket of tadpoles and expecting frogs to jump out!"
Dr: "Well, they're notoriously tough, are the human nuts, you know. They can continue producing baby gravy after quite extreme trauma."
Me: "But . . . but . . ."
Dr (chuckling like Dr Hibbert off of The Simpsons): "They can even heal up after a time!"
Me: "But . . . but . . ."
Dr: "And maybe it's because you're a superman, genitally speaking?"
Me: "But . . . well, yes, that's a possibility I suppose."
Dr: "So send us another sample, and we'll see what the results say now. Could just be a blip."
Me (Sighing): "Okay. I'll do one as soon as I've found the La Redoute catalogue."
Dr: "Good. Good. Oh and The Jules?"
Me: "Yes?"
Dr: "Could we ask you to use a specimen jar this time? Don't just send us a sock."
Me: "I suppose. For fussy clinical reasons is it?"
Dr: That, and the fact they're difficult for the lab technicians to wring out."
Me (thinking about the possibility that Bonobo might not be the youngest in the near future, that overtime can only go so far, that savings must be made): Doctor Nigel?"
Dr: "Yes?"
Me: "Can I have my socks back?"


  1. Reminds me of when I had mine snipped. Sad day.

  2. I fondly remember the whole procedure back in the day. I am older than you, so it involved smoke. Lots of smoke. As a matter of fact I may or may not have screamed "THERE'S SMOKE!" at one point, just before loosing consciousness.

  3. As we say in The States, Holy shit but that's some funny stuff.

    Am off now to google "La ReDoute".


  4. well, sugar, as you could see from my recent post, there will be a LOT of baby stuff available if the need arises, so to speak! ;~) xoxoxoxo

  5. Tony Van Helsing - Sorry for forcing you to relive it.

    SkylersDad - The smoke IS rather disconcerting, isn't it. And the smell of burning flesh!

    Pearl - Certain parts of it definitely appeals to me!

    Savvy - Oh gawd, let's hope not!

  6. Great stuff Jules - it's no fun having 3 socks missing. I bet they were all from different pairs :)

  7. Haha except the part about wringing out the socks.
    Gross to that one.

  8. Oh you delightfully funny man!
    I may have said this before, but my heart does a teeny tiny little leap and an 'oh ye-AH oh ye-AH' lame arm swingy thingy everytime I see a new post from you.
    SERIOUSLY good luck on getting your socks back. Oh and on no swimmers.
    *Oh ye-AH*

  9. Joe - Ha! Almost certainly!

    Gweenbrick - Some people are just plain squeamish when it comes to medical science.

    Irene - Thank you ever so much for the compliment and the good wishes. Glad you liked it.

  10. Have the socks back - haha!

    There are times when I wish for another baby, and then there are days like today when a whole bottle of ranch dressing gets poured on the table by my precious little ones, and the youngest doesn't take his nap. The stress of having more would do me in, I think.

  11. I've been afraid to get the snip, they say it does no damage but since he was done my dog lays about putting on weight and licking his privates. Of course there would be some benefits to laying about all day but I'm pretty sure I'd never be able to reach my privates..

  12. Hillary - That's it, isn't it? You could manage, but it'd be a right kick in the brain and wallet!

    Tempo - Could you train the dog to do that for you?

    1. I dont need to train him to do that...he already lays about all day and I didnt have to teach him at all...

  13. Now THAT made me laugh so loud my stitches nearly came undone! :¬)

  14. Well nuts. No, I did not snort coffee, I was wise enough to set the mug down first. Too funny.

  15. mapstew - Ooh, sorry 'bout that. Try gluing them back together. It worked for me.

    Kelly Louise - Welcome along, and very glad you liked it and didn't drown!

  16. The Gravel Farm?
    This in connection to Hill Farm?
    Smith Farm?
    Sloane Farm?
    With Nick?
    Cause they got the Nicaneme.
    And it's a bitch.
    It's a snitch.
    It's the witch - Summer.
    And it comes in all colors.
    They got Diyrigh 5 & Ontryat 6.
    They got Ofinses 20 & Adurthe 5-20.
    They also got Orediak 34 and it comes with 60 Msshno.
    So hure up , cowboys on Rick's Pony.
    Eakenry 7 running outte that red barn!
    Everyone's got that Hhhoth Chihuahua 666.
    And all those Serial Medical Killers doing the Nnships with Schar!
    " Who is Mark"?
    According to Slyst it's AATORIZ 3.
    No more paint for the wagons.
    Or the dragons.
    And now no more balls.
    Awwwww....they called that color PTY LTD.

  17. Anonymous -

    Excuse me Doug E Fresh...
    Have you ever seen a show with fellas on the mic
    with one minute rhymes that don't come out right
    They bite.
    They never write.
    That's not polite. Am I lyin'?
    No, you're quite right.
    Well tonight on this very mic you're about to hear
    We swear, the best darn rappers of the year
    Bravo! Also, if you didn't know this is called The Show.

  18. But you need a Turtle and an Automobile.
    And a Scream.
    ( Crack the Shell)
    ( Call Dell)
    ( Hit the Bell)
    ( Show & Tell)
    Let's call it " Go To Hell"!
    Call Mel !!!!!!!!!
    KEEKOST 9?
    Hataz Bitches Beware!
    It's CHER!
    ( Chersco)

  19. Did he salt the earth too while he was in there? Cause if all the slicing, dicing and burning didn't work, that surely would.

  20. Kellie - I feel that would be adding injury to injury!


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