Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Life Irritating Art

Recently, I decided to have a spot of body modification done. Just a bit of work, not a lot. A nip here, maybe a tuck there, a stitch to hold things together. It's all the rage apparently, and lots of men have it done. Less women, for some reason.

I've had a vasectomy.

When I was in my twenties, I had a friend who was so adamant he didn't and never would want kids that he decided to get an 'ecotmy under his belt. He was a bit miffed that he had to undergo a few months of therapy and counselling to be certain he was one hundred percent sure, until the medical authorities responsible reluctantly agreed and allowed him the procedure.

This led to many years of hedonistic sex with a variety of interesting people, of which we as his peers were understandably envious. Ultimately, his newly acquired freedom resulted in a rather nasty dose of an STD that finally turned him into quite the advocate for condom use.

I wonder if the irony was a painful as the pustules.

So, as I approached my GP with my request, I had my arguments and rationale all sorted out in my head, rehearsed and prepared. The subsequent conversation went like this.

Me: "I'd like a vasectomy please."
GP: "Okay." Gets paper out of drawer. "Sign that consent form and I'll book you in."

Apparently, being forty with two kids does not elicit the concern warranted to younger testicles with more breeding potential.

So, last Friday, newly shaved and proud as a naked mole rat with a particularly good bean bag, I visited the surgery to be met by Nigel, a doctor I have spoken to at work on many occasions, who shook my hand and then fondled my nuts.

And this was just in the waiting room! Aha!

I went into the little side room where a nurse asked me to strip from the waist down, which I duly did. I also took off my socks, although I'm not sure why. Then Dr Nigel came in, talked me through everything and off we went.

And that was it. The initial injection smarted a bit, but after that it was simply a bit of tugging (not in the good way) and the very odd feeling of being able to watch bits of my own innards being exposed, cut and cauterised whilst I propped myself up on my elbows for a good view. It was all less traumatic than I thought it would be.

Nigel pointed out that I would be battered and bruised for a week or two, and to do absolutely nothing for the next couple of days. The nurse was very, very strict about this, lamenting the time she went to Tesco's after work and found a man who had had a vasectomy not two hours before doing his weekly shop.

Apparently, his whole lower body from the nipples down withered and died as a result, leaving him but a sad husk of a man, disconsolately wheeling his torso around on a skateboard muttering the word "plums" over and over again and being unable to satisfy his wife.

I suspect exaggeration, but I wasn't going to take any chances, setting myself up with baby sitters for a couple of days who were invaluable, allowing me do little else except watch films, look at Twitter and read blogs and words on my Kindle, which are a bit like books only made of electric.

I had also planned to do some blogging myself, but the combination of pain-killers and lethargy just isn't conducive to any sort of creative thinking or artistic endeavour, hence the dearth of posts over the last three weeks or so.

Four days later, and I took the single stitch out, realised the wound hadn't completely closed yet and glued it shut again. I've now got a bit of an ache and am still walking like I've lost my horse, but in general things seem okay, especially with the copious ingestion of over the counter analgesics.

So far, so good and, although the bruising is a bit disconcerting, I'm glad I've had it done. Seems only right that a chap take charge of his fertility after years of relying on prophylactics, female responsibility and brewer's droop to prevent babies. 

What's that? You want to know about the bruising?

Of course you do. Everyone does.

Well, I like to think of myself as a subtle writer, delicately weaving gentle strands of description, using misty metaphor and ephemeral prose to entice the reader into using their own imagination to get my message across. I feel this is a skill I can transfer to the pictorial realm, and I shall bring such an abstract photograph to you now to describe the results of my procedure:

Do not worry if you don't "get" it at first. Dali had similar problems, but if you mull it over a few times, maybe discuss it with an educated friend or intellectual colleague you will, in time, understand my allusion, and your appreciation of it will be all the greater for having had to work at it.

In conclusion, ball ache is such a ball ache.


  1. Clear evidence here that you are far braver that I will ever be. I would have to hire myself a 'kidnap squad' to knock me out during the entire procedure. In that instance, I'm sure I would have no problem ripping off restraints.

  2. "And this was just in the waiting room! Aha!"
    -- BWAHAHAHA! Love it.

    My husband promised me he'd get snipped (we've been using condoms for 20 years) for my birthday... TWO YEARS AGO. Seems to be putting it off, can't imagine why. :D

    I'm thinking your picture won't be any consolation, maybe one with the fruit nestled in puffy clouds of soft cotton?

  3. "...walking like I've lost my horse..."

    You are an artiste, you are. I grinned all the way through this...


    p.s. Not that it was funny, your pain. My son's father had one several years ago, apparently spent two days on the couch with a bag of frozen peas on his nuts and a firm grip on the remote. Over-the-counter pain relievers in the U.S. are pathetically inadequate, however, and he was forced to get a prescription from his doctor. Wouldn't want people over here to be responsible for relieving their own pain now, would we? Sheesh...

  4. Eric - Knowing my luck I wouldn't be able to pay my ransom, and they'd start cutting bits off . . . actually that could work.

    Kelly B.A. - Yes, that's what it like exactly, like having your nuts gently caressed by the whispiest of duckling down. I'm sure he'll believe that.

    Pearl - I have the added advantage of some . . . professional contacts to help through this, so quite lucky really.

  5. Blimey, is that banana to scale?


  6. livesbythewoods - yes it is. Alhtough those purple things are grapes.

  7. You are such a good writer!!! I was laughing at all of it, but you are just so sickeningly clever, it made me wish I had done this post. What is brewers droop though?

    1. too much beer leads to temporary erectile dysfunction...can't get it up...

  8. Oh good lord, I love your writing!

  9. gweenbrick - Praise indeed coming from one such as yourself! Also, I don't know what brewer's droop is, as I've never had it and never will, whatever it is:

    Unpronouncio - I say. Ta.

    Mandy_fish - Wish I could cross mine at the moment.

    Mr Mischief - Warms my cockles to hear you say that.

  10. I don't have any educated friends to discuss it with. But your plums are lovely.

  11. "proud as a naked mole rat with a particularly good bean bag" is the most wonderful piece of drivel that I've read in the last five minutes.

    As an almost-thirty with two kids and a vascectomy-demanding wife (that's unfair, we both agree it is due, but my head is in the sand) are you basically saying that if I turn up and take off my socks a few minutes later I can go home and read shite on the twittersphere?

  12. Trucking Tumbleweed - Thank you. I buffed them up 'specially for the photo!

    mo - Ta. And yes, you get a whole two days of pyjama induced paralysis!

  13. The visual will NOT help me convince the husband to get snipped. Perhaps you can write a pamphlet? Say it's better than sex? No?

    Well, "plums."

  14. Nicole - There are lots of advantages, but I've now been informed that the promise of lots and lots of sex almost always used to persuade the poor gullible male that the snip is worthwhile is not entirely true. It's more of a hypothesis than a promise. I think you just need to show him pictures of babies and he'll make his own mind up.

  15. This was just wonderful, I am only sorry I had not stopped by earlier. I hope you are recovered completely at this point and have had the wonderful second visit to the doctor to determine if indeed there are no swimmers left. That is a wonderful appointment, trust me on this...

  16. haha, nice one Jules. Another extremely funny post from you. Keep 'em comin' mate :)

  17. Hurrah for you. I'd like to see more men (naming no names) take the birth control issue in their hands even if their "boys" are terribly precious.

    Here's to the end of the John Wayne walk. Hope your plums are better soon.

  18. This is one of the funniest blogs I have read in a while and beautifully written.....I love subtlety........great illustration.

    Hope you are feeling deserve a medal for the deed and the blog..

  19. And to think, we just snapped them tight rubberbands on the plums down on the ranch till the little oysters fell off.

    I think it's high time I give my husband the choice, my way or....

  20. A complete waste of your time mate.. I could have sent you a few of the rubber bands we use on sheep. Slip them on the pliers, clip them over the and let nature take it's course.
    A week later youre lining up at the water trough with a slightly higher pitched 'Baaa' and life's good...

    I would have liked to read a post you wrote under the influence of said drugs, probably made little sense but I'm sure it would have been very funny.

  21. Don't worry, the bruising can extend further, it was very interesting watching the progression on the Beloved's body.

    Always nice to know that there are blokes out there who have taken things into their own hands ;)

  22. SkylersDad - Heh. Unfortunately I've just been given a couple of little pots with dates on them that I have to . . . fill, and then send off. They're not very sexy.

    Jo Pereira - Thank you Jo, I intend to!

    Bagady - Ha! Ace. Of course, mine aren't so precious anymore. Lots of miles on the clock.

    Chantel - I'm thinking that's fair warning. Tell him it's not as bad as the branding you did.

    Tempo - There's a definite livestocky theme to you lot this morning, isn't there? My brother said he had visions of me being driven to the doc's like a dog going to the vets to get done, maybe with my head out the window, saying "We going to the park? Are we? Are we going to the park? I love the park? Hey, this isn't the park!"

    Lo - Why thank you very much, although I'm settling for paracetamol and ibuprofen!

  23. Erika - Don't I know it. Looks like I've got a tartan condom on! And they're rubbish prophylactics.

  24. You know, one shouldn't really snort in their coffee and grin while reading about a man's punch bags being sliced like an apple, but I couldn't quite seem to help myself. You brave man. I hope you are sitting on a cushion of extreme sponginess, with ice in your pants. (I hear you like that sort of thing). FEEL BETTER!

  25. You're a braver man than many. It it your balls that ache, or something inside your nutsack you can't quite put your finger on?

  26. Veggie Ass - I'm glad my genitals are so amusing to you young lady. The number of times I've said that . . .

    GB - Maybe not so much brave as chickening out of having an other kid!

  27. I see your plums have a-ripened! But seriously though, feel better! Think of all the unbaby making mattress pounding you'll be doing pretty soon.

  28. well done you! and props for getting the nip&tuck job done, sugar! ;~D xoxoxoxox

    (after baby #4, and at the tender age of 32 the dear husband did the deed. doc told him it was a very, very smart move!)

  29. This comment has been removed by the author.

  30. The JulesMar 2, 2012 12:30 PM

    Feryx - I'm holding onto that thought like a drowning man onto the frozen, floating corpse of Leonardo DiCaprio.

    Savvy - Blimey! You're a sucker for punishment aren't you? And it seems like the decent thing for us chaps to do really.

  31. I think that visual speaks loud and clear.

  32. Nowhere Man - Yep. Although mostly it says "Oof!"

  33. Plums? Not prunes? ;)

    Well done on braving the nip and tuck.

  34. Kara - Well, I suppose prunes are less juicy.

  35. I need to get this done like yesterday!

  36. Dr Z - That's a good day to have it done. Nearly as good as tomorrow.

    1. Great post.thanks for sharing this wonderful article. All the best to you.

      Bean Bags

    2. deepsharma - Er . . . thanks. Thanks and all the best to you too.

      BEAN BAGS!

  37. What can I say? I'd been thinking about the procedure since my first wife was alive. She wasn't healthy enough to carry a child to term in the last five years of her life. Now I'm forty, remarried but I still have no kids.

    "The Wife"- my second- hasn't the ability to have kids after issues with her first three, which she had before we met.

    Of course, as it says on my blog, we're gonna be fostering children. I'm not sure how I'm gonna take to that.

    Additionally, you're writing is excellent, and I'm gonna hafta follow your blog now. Sorry. There's nothing I can do about that.

  38. Nice Blog ! Thank you for your very nice articles. I look forward to visiting your site in the future! I like this very much.
    Methods of Modern Farming

  39. Torggil - Sounds like fostering should be quite a trip. Hopefully you'll get a lot out of it! Thank you for the kind comments.

    Suporna Sarkar - Thanks! And I shall make sure I use Modern Farming Methods when tending to my plant.


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