Monday, November 8, 2010

The gift of getting gifts.

Whilst a-shopping in a shop today, I noticed they had an offer on toy cars. Might be a nice little treat for a small person I thought to myself, magnanimously, and might just have the pleasant side effect of shutting up a whingeing kid.

And look, they had an special on Transformers!

Can't go wrong with transformers, I reasoned. Always popular, as they combine the traditional roles of . . . well, cars and robots. Yes, very traditional.

I was about thirteen when Transformers came out. Transformers the toy, not the electrical current transferring device, because that's been around since Einstein invented electricals.

I was lucky enough to have a couple of the figurines, and must have got a full two or three enjoyable hours of excitement transforming Optimus Prime into a lorry and then back again before his arm came off and stayed that way for ten years.

There was also, if I recall correctly, some sort of reddy-brown jet fighter contraption, the transforming process of which being so hideously complex that you had to have a working knowledge of 11-dimensional M-theory physics to convert into its robot alter-ego and back.

It was almost certainly a governmental test to seek out the precocious mathematical prodigies who could complete the task, and then put them to work in the Department of Very Hard Sums.

Because of this, most of the time I played with it was as an aeroplane with a random foot sticking out, or a robot with one big flappy wing impeding its progress.

Anyhoo, this Transformer I clocked in the shop was a police car, and was quite little, which excited my inner child. I wondered what the intervening quarter of a century had provided in the way of toy innovation and transformer design. I turned it over to look at the back before I parted with my hard-earned two quid:


And I'm glad I did, because the back bore the legend "DOES NOT CONVERT" in a font similar to that found on military cartons definitely not containing glowing bullets.

Huh?

So the Decepticon Transformer Barricade Police Vehicle, who's sole selling factor is the ability to change from a car into a gurt monster robot to terrorise local populaces . . . er . . . doesn't.

What a disappointing label. Like having a sticker on a knife informing you it "DOES NOT CUT" or a post-it on your wife saying "DOES NOT LOVE YOU".

What's the point of it then?

I wonder how many children have got one of them home and then suffered the crushing desperation of trying to transmogrify it into a robot, only to be defeated by the cynical marketing ploy of the manufacturers?

Dutifully, I put it on the floor, stamped on it, and then replaced it on the shelf in the shop, before slinking home.

Instead, I think I shall look to get such presents from a mail-order catalogue because they must rely on fairly full descriptions to persuade you to buy their tat. In this way, the toys do exactly what you'd expect, and also incidentally provide some potential career advice:

That, friends, is a Playmobil Amphibious Getaway Car, complete with dark-suited masked driver holding suitcases bulging, presumably, with valuables he has just liberated from the oppressive banking authorities using toy guns and toy threats to kill.

Now, with that you see, you get everything you pay for. You get a car for getting away, you get a legally ambiguous hero to drive it, and you get a sense of glamour attached to the criminal underclass.

Actually, it's quite a good idea. If you're doing a bank job near a river, imagine the surprise on the coppers' faces when you drove into the water and chugged your way to freedom.

Devious minds, them Playmobile fiends.

33 comments:

  1. The Transforming cars that don't transform irk me..That's the whole damn point, isn't it?

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  2. I'll bet the Playmobil toy is the kind 'the Stig' played with as a child.

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  3. Actually, the Decepticon Transformer Barricade Police Vehicle does perform a transformation after all. It transforms a small child from giddy with excitement over getting a new toy into a blubbering, snot fully flowing ruined hulk of a young lad.

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  4. I think you're supposed to buy the non-transformer and pull it out when your kid has done something particularly irksome. "Daddy looks pregnant? Here's a fun toy, Junior."

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  5. Mr Mischief - Be rubbish in battle, wouldn't it. "Hey, Enemy! You'd be in real trouble if I could change into some sort of warrior robot type thing, you know, but as it is, carry on."

    Eric - Hence his penchant for keeping his fizzog covered!

    SkylersDad - Like puberty then?

    Pearl - You know who the Stig is? I thought Americans weren't allowed to watch Top Gear!

    Nicole - "And now eat your candied sprouts!"

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  6. Between Transformers and Legos, I feel like I'm mentally-challenged and have two-left hands.

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  7. Sonsofbitches! That kind of stuff made me so angry as a kid. The one that always got me was the picture on the Corn Flakes box with beautiful, fresh strawberries adorning the bowl of cereal depicted. I don't know how many boxes I opened before I realized there would never be anything delicious inside.

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  8. YGTBKM - I think they thrive on encouraging a healthy inferiority complex.

    BetaDad - Lol. Glad to see you've got over it though.

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  9. When I was a kid we were so poor my dad had to give me a stick to play with...but only till the fire needed lighting.
    Oh, all right, so that bits a lie! But I'm Pre-Transformer in age so dont have an amusing or sad tale to tell.

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  10. A Transformer that doesn't transform? What the hell? Does that take the "deception" out of the Decepticon?

    Those bastards.

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  11. Tempo - They're robots. In disguise. From . . . er . . . other robots.

    Didactic Pirate - They've turned over a new leaf and are to be known as Allaboveboardicons.

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  12. I can't tell enough from the picture, but the getaway car toy looks like there's not enough storage space for those bulging bags. The world's first moral toy! You might be able to rob a bank, but whatever you get, you sure can't take it with you!

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  29. GTChristie - Excellent point. I think an ageing Barbie might also be in the offing.

    家暴 through to 婚姻 - Very kind. And might I praise your spectacular comformity to a certain commenting style.

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  30. I'd start a petition or march on Whitehall. Someone must be told.

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  31. Mdme De F - I hope it doesn't get hijacked by violent protesters mind.

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  32. This comment has been removed by the author.

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