Friday, August 21, 2009

Inventing necessities

I need an I-phone.

I need a 42 inch HD ready flat screen telly. I need two hundred channels of crap. I need high speed internet access. I need to see the latest blockbuster. I need faster ready meals, to drink cider with ice in it, to worship celebrities, get antibiotics for that deadly virus, holiday abroad, holiday at home, lose weight, gain weight, to be buff, be more masculine, be more feminine, to have 32 blades on my razor, to express myself and to suffer in silence. I need to go out, to get drunk, drink nothing but water, to ignore modern medicine, have a tattoo, have at least three hundred Facebook "friends" and get my eyes lasered.

I need to respect the stupidest of ideas for fear of upsetting someone. I need to be right, left, liberal, extreme, gay, straight, inclusive to some, racist against others, insular and extrovert. I need to love fat women, but vilify fat people. I need to be patriotic, to hate my country. I need to listen to that single, but not that album, to read that magazine but not that book, to hate that regime but not that country, to hate that leader but not that party. I need to know what's important.

I need to be told.

Programmable microwave - need.
Fridge that tells me it's out of milk - need.
Nightscope - need.
Playstation and Wii - need.
MP3 - need.
Robot vacuum cleaner - need.
Robot lawn mower - need.
Robot - need.

I need to be self-sufficient, to be a productive member of society, to argue, to toe the line. I need a small-holding, a city job, anti-depressants, white teeth, plastic surgery, no plastic surgery, herbal "medicine", counselling, to be breastfed, to complain about breastfeeding in a restaurant and to call an ambulance for a cough I've had for the last week. I need to be famous, infamous, overly nostalgic, to dread the future, to lock 'em up and throw away the key, to complain, to never offer a solution, to distrust scientists and call them "boffins", a man-bag, a red-top, a glossy, gym membership, a mountain bike, a racing bike, retribution rather than rehabilitation. I need caffeine-free, fizzy pro-biotics and gel that makes my hair harder than a tiger with a flick-knife. Yet malleable.

I need to earn twice the average wage like everybody else.

I need a four-wheel drive, 500 horsepower, hybrid diesel that drives like a petrol with in-car DVD, sat-nav, self-stopping and parking sensors. I need a bigger drive to park it on. I need to win arguments by shouting, to phone my vote in, to see my doctor immediately, to be loved even if I'm not lovable, to have three credit cards, to spend what I don't have and blame someone else.

I need Umi:

Or so I'm told.

Of course, what I really need, more than anything, is air, closely followed by water and then, occasionally, food.

I also need to make up my own mind.


  1. That reminds me, I must get a decorative Princess Diana plate.

  2. Thank god that, unlike so many, you don't need a spell checker.

  3. Alex - I'm still waiting on my "Life of Christ - in Cats"

    Mr London St - Or at least I can be arsed to use it.

  4. i need about another week of summer vacation and some meds to get over my phobia of using the shift key/and or extraneous punctuation.


  5. Oof, that post made me feel slightly ill.

    *Slowly rests head on keyboard*

  6. I'm dizzy now. That was horrible! (not the actual post, but that people out there DO feel like that....horrible.)

  7. Miss A - I wouldn't worry about it. Not using the shift key isn't a capital crime :-)

    Judearoo - Not really what I was hoping to instill in my readers! Take some deep breaths and . . . relax!

    omchelsea - lol - thanks. I think?

  8. Due to onslaught of commercialism and modern day expectations of society, nothing to do with all the absinthe I drank last night....

  9. I think it's healthy to want,and I want a Umi too!

  10. this reminds me of a game i play sometimes, i watch tv and try to memorize all the things the commercials tell me i need, and then list them off as my show comes back on. it's actually kind of surprising how many things they can throw at you in those few moments

    i enjoyed this post. and eff spell checkers

  11. Judearoo - Ahhhh. Absinthe. You probably hallucinated this post then. Saved me a job.

    Thinkinfyou - Want yes. Need, not so much. The Umi thing being described as a monkey drove me mad. Well, madder.

    miss.chief - Impressive. I can barely remmeber what programme I'm watching anyway, let alone the ads.

  12. Great Post. I don't have many thing on that list of things that most people think they need...
    but I do have a Wii...and I love her.

  13. good thing y'all aren't an advertising executive, sugarpie! ;~D xoxox

    (still snickering over not a capital offense)

  14. It's a great spectator sport to see all those people out there not living within their means and spending what they don't have.
    Ask yourself if you own your possessions or do they own you?

  15. Hmmm... I seem to be missing a few of those things on your list. I think I need to go watch TV some more so I can learn what it is I really need.

  16. Erin - You need more stuff, I reckon.

    Savannah - People can't handle the truth!

    Eric - Ooh, I like that.

    Catladylarew - I hope you're ordering a Little Umi as we type.

  17. I agree. Our immediate gratification consumer, need this, need that mentality is very harmful. Except the iphone, of course. I totally need one of those.

  18. "I need to earn twice the average wage like everyone else." That's why I love it here.

    I loved this post, but I punched the arm of my sofa after I read it. I'm ok now.

  19. Nanodance - I wrote the first sentence from the heart.

    Steamy - You dead-armed your settee? Cool!

  20. Wow. That was cool. Intense, but cool. I can imagine you reading it and speaking faster and faster as it builds up.

    Although to be honest I think everyone needs one of those orangutan babies. That thing is adorbski.

  21. After reading that I need a beer. Or maybe a scotch. Yeah, definitely the scotch. Keep the glass and ice, though, don't need those. I have a straw.

  22. Soda and Candy - It's not real you know? I speak too quickly normally.

    Douglas - I think I'll join you. I have a bottle of Old Peculiar in the cupboard that should just have achieved room temperature. Cheers!

  23. man after readin that there all i was wantin was some new cammos. now you gone and done it bess here will be sendin me to the store agin,hell now i need some beer, don't know that doug feller but what the hay, can't be half bad.

  24. It's a creepy ceramic ape baby???

    Well forget it then, that's bollocks.

  25. therealbobthought - He has some good ideas does Douglas. get some beers while you're at the store.

    Soda and Candy - lol. Ceramic Bollocks were on offer the previous week.

    SkylersDad - I hope it's got something in it.

  26. This needs to be performed to a live audience, Tom Waits style.

    And THEN to have decorative plates of you performing it for sale in the lobby.


  27. I imagine that we all need Umi.

    I had always assumed that you were already a celebrity worshipper.

  28. Pearl - I'm going to write some beat poetry, just as soon as I find a rhyme for 'angst'.

    Mo - You have to give these people their due.

  29. I love the Little Umi best of all! I ordered 3.


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