Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Mon chair

Who'd have thought there'd be so many ways to put an arse on a seat?

In our Crawley hotel they had made a real effort with some unusual furniture. I think they were trying to give their guests something to look at inside seeing as the view outside was . . . well, Crawley.

As well as stuff to look at, you can also give your (predominantly business-folk) guests something to do inside. Rather than install a Wii in every room, they've gone for the cheaper option of allowing some unnoticeable horizontal recreation between colleagues by providing an "affair door" between adjacent rooms:

Ours started rattling at three in the morning, but if you think I'm going to open it when there's a distinct possibility of a horny accountant being on the other side, you've got another thing coming. I'd rather face the manic axe clowns that live under my bed than that.

"Heeeeeere's Coco!"

Mostly, though, the rooms were fairly standard en suite jobbies, with most of the effort having gone into the public areas. They had a six metre tall waterfall downstairs in their foyer-cum-cafe-cum-waiting room-cum-vaulted space.

That's a lot of cum.

In addition, they had installed some interesting chairs.

Having just typed that, I think that could be a contender for the most boring sentence on the t'internet, just after "Bookkeeping is usually done by a bookkeeper." and on a par with "The adventure began with wallpaper."

Still, I'm gonna go with it, because what's the worse that can happen?

No, don't go! I'll be interesting, honest. I'll post some pictures so you don't have to read, you can just let your brain absorb information, like by all osmosis and that. You like pictures don't you? That's it. Come back. Yeeesss. Pictures.

Of chairs:

Look at that. Eggs! Those chairs are like eggs which have been over-boiled so that the yolks have gone that funny mix of yellowy-green and black where you're not sure if it's okay to eat them, but you don't want to waste it because a chicken suffered to push that out of it's straining cloaca for you, and would be quite upset if it's unfertilized ovum was simply wasted, so you sort of eat it with a frown because when the yolk falls out of the white it looks like one of those little rubber power balls that's been held in a grubby child's dirty mitts on a hot afternoon.

Happily, these eggs were for sitting on, and the yolk even folded in and out for easy storage. They looked interesting, and my son played with them for forty minutes whilst I sorted out a pint of Kronenburg and the missus had a glass of her current favourite tipple, baby Guinness, which is a Tia Maria and Bailey's poured so one rests on top of the other like a tiny pint of the Black Stuff.

Tastes like sweeties.

So, we've established that the hotel had chairs like eggs. They were about as comfortable as sitting on a pile of half-open laptops, but they were more for decoration so it's okay.

But, be still my beating heart, there was another type of chair that I actually thought was quite groovy:

It's a hand. An hand. In an hotel.

I actually thought this was fairly clever, especially as they'd managed to make arm rests out of opposing digits without warping the anatomy unrecognisably (although you try making that shape without having fingers deviating from arthritis and you'll end up having fingers deviating from arthritis).

It was a bit more comfortable as well, feeling like you'd simply sat down on some barnacles that were clinging to a giant King crab.

Now there's an idea for a chair.

Fascinating (?) though the furniture was, people were mostly sitting on the comfy sofas, possibly so they could look at the other furniture, which sort of defeats the object of those objects.

From the hotel's point of view however, they must have been considered a success, for I actually saw some daft tourist taking photos of them. Madness! I mean, how sad is that, to go to a hotel and take photos of the furniture?

Er . . .

Happily, I am above lowly, mortal considerations of decorum and personal space, because I serve a higher power. *


*For all your self-justifying needs, come to the Gravel Farm (Nazi's and Estate Agents need not apply, unless they're very rich).


  1. the egg chair is just silly! but, on the other hand (no, not the chair, i'll get to that in a sec), your son was amused and it kept him busy while you and the missus enjoyed y'alls beverages (i'll have to ask the resident bartender to try making a baby guinness) but i digress, the hand chair (and you're right, making that gesture is difficult to say the least) i have a friend in chicago who has a hand chair but in GREEN, but without the weird finger positions! he did a safety lecture at the factory that made them and was given one as a thank you present! too funny... xoxox

  2. You know, it might have been possible to configure that hand chair to have a headrest... Just a thought. But I suppose that would make the lobby (what we call a "foyer" in hotels here) a bit less inviting.

    I'd probably have this urge to make egg salad out of those other chairs.

  3. "a horny accountant being on the other side"


    I've seen those hand chairs around, especially in Brighton, you can get foot chairs too. In an ideal world I'd have a foot shaped dinner table with six foot chairs...

    [kidding, what a I, a freak?!]

    *hopes that bluff worked*

  4. I want to know what kind of person could read this post without trying to do the hand chair shape with their own hand?

  5. Well hellfire and save the matches, Crawley will have to be on next year's holiday plans because of those excellent photos you took.

    ps - One time I was at a hotel that had a smaller passthrough window shutter in the middle of the door between rooms, I guess for handing through letters or something. I definitely would not open *that*.

  6. Savannah - Very true. Was your friends lecture about the imoprtance of gloves? Giant gloves?

    Douglas - I reckon that's an idea that would sell. The headrest, not egg-chair-salad.

    Mo - Six foot chairs? Those are big chairs.

    Alex - I did it as I was writing it!

    Eric - That's more disconcerting than a full size door!

  7. Some of those chairs look like they could be enemies for Dr Who...

  8. I think the hand chairs should have been making "the shocker", just to see how many people got it.

  9. I considered that arthritis comment a challenge, and have spent the last few minutes trying to bend my fingers into that chair's position. In a few weeks I'll remove the toothpick and duct tape and I'm pretty sure my pinky will be able to hold that bend at the first knuckle. I'll keep you updated.

  10. The Imaginary Reviewer - They were about as comfy as sitting on an aroused Dalek.

    SkylersDad - You could just have one giving the bird, and put it on your lawn facing any neighbours you don't like.

    Steamy - You could try making a new knuckle. With a hammer. You can achieve any hand position you want with a hammer.

  11. I want hard-boiled egg chairs.
    And maybe some scrambled-egg carpeting.
    Bacon table runner...?

    Now I want breakfast.

  12. The chairs are fab, but can you imagine trying to find cushions for them in John Lewis'? Absolute nightmare. And what if you sat on the finger by mistake? Could lead to all sorts of misunderstandings.

  13. Vic - you'll get high cholesterol just sitting on them.

    Mdme DeF - Unless it wasn't a mistake. Then, no misunderstandings. You'd be doing exactly what it looks like. Sitting on a giant finger.

  14. That hand chair is obviously meant to give the sitter the Fay Wray experience. A lot of women have fantasies about King Kong, apparently.

  15. And yet, put on a bit of weight and get a hairy back, and they're the first to join you up for the gym before arranging a back, crack and sack wax.

  16. From now on I will have a phobia of those adjoining doors in hotel rooms. Yikes!!

    Thanks a lot.

  17. I have never enjoyed the door-between-rooms thing and have imagined whole movie scripts (shoddily produced and covered in gore) of what happens when that door opens.

    The hardboiled chairs I love. The hand -- would you believe I have a friend with one in red?! Major flea market find.


  18. We have hand chairs like that at a bus stop here in Rochester! They are fashioned so that there are four in a row... going in opposite directions so you can sit next to someone and see them while you're talking to them... honest! I've even sat in them and they're pretty comfortable.

    The egg chairs... they're awfully clever, but don't look that comfortable. The crevice created by the egg yolk would definitely give you a back ache!

    And yes, I too tried to put my hand in that warped position. I almost had it, since I'm double jointed... almost! Now if I could only get my fingers back to their proper positions...

  19. Nanodance - Try not to think of the horny accountants. Woooooooh!

    Pearl - Lucky find indeed. I think those scripts would sell by the way. Especially if they involve murderous clowns for originality.

    Catladylarew - If you sat in one of those egg chairs for any lengh of time you're joints would be in even stranger contortions.

  20. See, this is why it's called "Creepy Crawley"

    And yet ... you've actually made me want to go there now

    I hate it when you do stuff like that!


I'm going to risk taking comment moderation off for a bit, so if you're a web-bot, a robot, a bot-fly or a bottom-dwelling sediment-feeder, then please refrain from commenting.

Otherwise, have a go. S'fun.